A New Year. And Looking At A Special Star.

This will be the first time in 5 years that I have not spent New Year's Eve by water.

Water is very significant to me. I was a water baby, swimming effortlessly from a very young age, almost as if I was more natural in water than on the earth. Water draws me in, and maybe especially at this time of year I look to it because of the ebb and flow of the waves or the sense of movement in a river. It embodies renewal for me and the hopefulness of re-creation. And there is also a certain stillness to water that encourages time for reflection too.

It has also played a part in my New Year's ritual which has involved writing and sending things out to sea, or down stream. Physically releasing any heaviness from the past year as words on to paper and then setting them loose. Last year I wasn't by the sea, but travelled to a quiet spot by an estuary of the Thames with a friend. Standing by the edge we let our pieces of paper fall out of our hands hoping to watch the water take them away from us. Funnily, mine got stuck on a muddy bank. 

We both turned to one another and smiled. Part amusement, part frustration, part just at the sweet irony. I think she knew, without any need for the spoken word, what my envelope contained, what I was hoping to be able to let go of.  There wasn't even any question of us going down to the bank and trying to help it on its way, I think we both accepted the symbolism of it.

Those things that got stuck in the mud at this time last year, that I was finding too much to bear, or felt saddened by or overwhelmingly inadequate in the face of, have evolved in the last twelve months to bring joy and richness in to my life. I'm glad that I got stuck with them, was forced to face them and work through them, they are what bring me most to life now. And are a source of great strength.

So, I don't have any water to release anything in to this evening, but this year that feels okay. I can feel that my body is able to contain all that it needs to bear, and knows what to do with it now. Maybe being in the countryside as I am, amongst trees, is where I should be, firmly rooted in the earth, connected and strong. 

I did manage to do the other part of my New Year ritual though, walking 2 miles to the nearest village today, to the old fashioned red post box and posting a letter to myself with all my intentions and hopes written down for the year ahead. I'll be opening the one that I posted to myself last year a little later on, with my half bottle of champagne, in the warmth of an open fire and curiously seeing which wishes came to life.

Good wishes to you all for 2009.

I hope it brings you all that you wish for.

A song that is very special to me, by the Tindersticks. 

Simple & Momentary Distraction.

I was having a bit of difficulty being self-disciplined towards the end of last week, and feel a little ashamed to admit that. Intense thinking, reading and writing, in solitude, feels like a luxury but also slightly outside the usual composition of my days.  I've found it hard to focus my concentration and not get distracted by ..oohh... a million and one other things!

And I know one thing that would really focus my attention back to where it should be.....

But for now, I am back on track. I've some new clever little Disciplinary rituals to entwine in to my days, and I'm also taking some regular breaks. During these breaks I might go outside, or call a friend, or chat on line, or do some blogging, or have a little browse through online shopping sites... yesterday I got caught up on this one after a friend pointed me in its direction..

http://www.glamorousamorous.com

And I got very excited when I came across the most suitably spankingly beautiful pieces of underwear that I've seen in a long while...and off went my imagination in to the world of birching and caning.....and a few really sharp smacks with Sir's worn tan leather strap....

I thought you might appreciate them too. Of course if the bottom cheeks were nicely reddened they'd be all the more gorgeous. 

Twitter.

Where I am currently staying ( which does feel like solitary confinement in some ways ) there are several bird tables in the back garden...which backs on to open fields. I've been given instructions on bird feeding and I have to say that it feels as though they are keeping me company at the moment, which is rather nice.

This morning I was suddenly struck by a flash of pink on the table. My eyes seem to be quite finely tuned to shades of pink and red in recent years and I was captivated by it enough to go and get the binoculars. 

It wasn't a chaffinch...I'm familiar with their shades of pink....and this was a different shade altogether....more vibrant.

After some researching I think it was Scarlet Rosefinch ( what a lovely name!! ) and even though they are very distinctive  I'm still uncertain because it seems an unlikely time of year and they are not all that common...

Then I started imagining...I wondered what the mythology was behind this particular bird... and felt that maybe, just maybe, it was the bird that finds it way to you when a smacked bottom is due.

Clever bird.

I am probably procrastinating just a little from my work...posting about beautiful birds on this particular blog ;-)

A little tribute.

My friends and I have been singing along to some Eartha Kitt songs today ...

and I do have a few favourites...

This being one :





I'd definitely ask for an Old Fashioned Disciplinarian instead of a Millionaire though :-)
And switch the desire for oil and counting money into lots of love and smacked bottoms instead!


P.s.
If anyone can help me learn to embed film clips in here, rather than just posting a link, I'd be very grateful.

Thank you to those who helped me fix this :-)

Christmas Eve. Part Two.

Part 1 is the post below!

I was a mixture of limp resolve and dizzy excitement as he helped me off his lap and stood me back between his legs.

" Catherine my love, I hope you have a good view of Olivia's sore bottom? " he tilted his head to the side to catch her eye, and I watched him smile at her, pleasingly.

" Olivia darling, push your bottom out, that's it, right out, so that Catherine can see it properly. " he steadied me as I whimpered, my deep pink cheeks exposed, on view.

He watched my flushed face, and listened to the little gasps I made in vein, trying to stay composed. Reaching down with his hands he pulled the gauzy fabric of the pants back up to cover me at the front, pulling it slightly taut against my mound, and gazing at the wetness, directing my eyes to it too, as it spread, openly telling the story of my arousal and desire.

" And Olivia has made her pants very wet, haven't you sweetheart, mm ? "

I didn't answer, instead I lowered on to my knees , his hands pushing down on my shoulders until I was settled obediently at his feet. Standing up, he smiled over at Catherine, still sitting there poised on the bed. Her eyes hadn't left my bottom and I could hear a change in her breath.

His voice changed tone as he spoke to her this time.

" Catherine, remove your knickers and your stockings please, and do it slowly, I'd like to watch you. "

As he spoke those words he unbuttoned his trousers and took out his thick, hard cock, placing it inside my mouth, which I'd already opened willingly. He didn't thrust or move inside me, instead he just held it there, enjoying the warmth and moisture of my mouth as I licked him and devoured him with a slow gentleness. He hardened in me, and I could hear Catherine behind unzipping her skirt, and then what faintly sounded like a stocking being slowly rolled down a shapely leg.

All the while I could feel her eyes on my red, sore bottom, broken with glances to look at him. His eyes wandered all over her as she undressed to complete nakedness from the waist down.

" Mmm Olivia darling, you are taking very good care of my cock, making it perfectly hard and wet in preparation for me to fuck my beautiful wife. "

" And I can see Catherine my love, that you *did* enjoy watching Olivia getting a smacked bottom."

Pulling out of my mouth, still feeling hungry with obedience, he turned me towards Catherine, her legs slightly parted before me, her thighs glistening with her arousal.

He sat back down in the chair behind me, his hand held squeezing the base of his shaft.

" Now darling Olivia, you can prepare Catherine for my cock and show her what an obedient girl you can be, whilst I sit here and enjoy the view of your reddened bottom and watch my lovely wife be pleasured by you. "

I looked up at Catherine, blushing as I knelt forward, placing a hand gently on each inner thigh to hold them apart. She tenderly brushed away the hair from my face as I lowered down to her. I carefully, neatly, obediently took my tongue to her, trailing it across her wetness, using the very tip to explore her with reverence. And then as her moans became filled with more wanting, I plunged further in to her. I could hear him rubbing himself behind me until sticky faced, he lifted me away from her.

Placing me to stand by the side of the bed, he turned me so my back was to them, kissing me deeply, and hard, so he could taste Catherine on me.

" Good girl, you've been a very obedient girl, see how hard I am, and how ready for me Catherine is, and I want you to stand just here so that I can see your sore bottom whilst I make love to my wife. "

He kissed me once more on my forehead and I felt the tip of his hard cock press against my tummy as he lent down.

I tried to stand still, offering my bottom for his viewing, squirming with the dancing images in my mind, images that matched the sounds I was hearing and the smells I was smelling.
They were whispering to one another, whispers full of love and urgency, and her broken whimpering became a long intoxicated moan as he penetrated her, rising over her on the bed.

Listening to them fuck, the longing between my thighs was burning me, but I knew it would be disobedient for me to touch myself there. I felt the wetness oozing through the gauzy knickers that were still sticky against my front.

I heard them rise and fall, and their bodies rub against one other, I smelt the salty and musky perfume of damp climax and the sounds of each of them giving all to the other.

When he gave me permission to turn around, they were laying together, stretched out on the bed, his cock limp now, her thighs still shining, both of their faces unbound from the tautness or orgasm.

He called me over to them, giving me his hand to help lift me onto the bed and kneel between their legs.

" Did you enjoy listening to us fucking darling? "

They both smiled at me and then moved their eyes to the dampness spread out across my pants and thighs.
Blushing, I nodded, and obediently moved my hand where he was guiding it.

" Now show Catherine how you like to masturbate and I want you to come for us both darling. "

I shyly moved my hand across my knickers, rubbing myself across the slippery surface. He encouraged me to look at them both as I did so, my bare bottom still hot and sore and naked as I knelt up, and my breasts bare and facing them. It didn't take me long to shudder and tremble in to both of their arms.

Christmas Eve.

Inspired by Bonnie's question in this weeks Sunday brunch...


I stood to the right of the fire, almost in leaning distance of the mantle piece, but I had my hands held on my head and was standing as neatly as I could. The carriage clock was in view and I could see that they'd be arriving any minute.

My hair was tied in a neat french plait and my pale face was free from make-up, just a little rouge on my lips and a natural blush on my cheeks. " I want you neat and naked " were his words, " except for these " ...and I had on the white pants he'd left for me. They were thin and gauzy, covering my bottom, but with a slight bagginess and sheerness that marked its vulnerability.

I was excited by all the vulnerability I felt. Thoughts were dancing like the open flames that kept me warm. I was part conscious of my nakedness, part only aware of the dry anticipation in my throat, and part just on fire myself. Seeing him always brought me to life.

The door clicked open and I neatly stood waiting.

" Olivia darling, I'm glad that you found the place okay, and good girl for getting such an impressive fire roaring. "

I wanted to turn around, to be able to see him and to see her too. I tried to stay still but it was hard as he drew their attention onto me in a way that he knew would make me squirm.

" I'm glad to see you are stood neatly Olivia, and with your self on show, especially that bottom, properly presented in those knickers as I asked. "

I heard them kiss and he whispered to her " doesn't she have a lovely bottom darling."

Drawing in my breath almost caused me to miss her soft words. Her voice sounded different, a little deeper, licked with a tone of arousal. " She does, and thank you for bringing her here for us. "
They kissed again and moved more into the room, closing the door.

She and I had met only a few times, for coffee. He had been my Guardian for a few years. This Christmas he'd wanted to bring us together. Her curiosity had grown into a new desire and my desire was always to please, and that had grown from him to all that was in his life.

" Catherine, my love, come and sit here on the bed. "

They walked behind me, I imagined him guiding her there, stood behind her with his hands held at her waist and sitting her down on the bed. And then he was up behind me. I could feel him right there, not touching me but just gazing at me. His hand swept my plait to one side and he leaned in and kissed the back of my neck. He moved back away from me as he spoke.

" Olivia, my darling ward, you may turn around."

It was nice to feel the heat from the fire shift to the opposite side of my body, distracting for a moment, before I tried to settle my eyes on the room. I had to look at him first to steady myself. He held me with his eyes, captured me and kept me there, my feet neatly on the ground. His eyes then looked at all my nakedness, as I looked at her I saw her eyes were all over me too.

My blushing deepened and he smiled noticing it.

He sat a little away from her in the chair that had been at the dressing table. She was still sat on the edge of the bed looking like an elegant raven, her dark hair pinned up and her delicate and defined bones illuminating her poise.

" Come and stand here Olivia. "

He pulled me in towards him, between his legs, his hands cupped on my bottom cheeks, and before he did anything else he took each of my hardened nipples in to his mouth in turn, just for a few moments, leaving each of them glistening.
I wondered if she was watching how his hands were starting to knead my bottom cheeks a little more firmly.

" Catherine is going to watch me giving you a smacked bottom sweetheart, she is going to see how having your bottom properly punished is something that you both need and deserve, and she and I are going to get great enjoyment from it. "

He smiled over at Catherine as I felt a tiny trickle of excitement start to pool between my legs.

Guiding me over his knee I already felt completely obedient to his will, to both of them. I held myself neatly across his lap, raising my bottom up to him as he pulled the pretty gauzy fabric taut across my cheeks. I could feel her eyes wandering over me, a flush on my skin seemed to trail in their wake.

He rubbed my bottom slowly, warming me, ripening me to take the flurry of firm hand smacks that followed. He held me tightly at the waist covering each cheek with the scorching blanket of his palm.

" Are you seeing how her bottom quivers under my hand Catherine? "

I could barely hear how Catherine responded, lost in the sting, swallowed by my submission. It was fiery now, my bottom. The redness running out across my cheeks to beyond the edges of the knickers. He paused only to neaten the knickers back in place over my cheeks and then continued, harder and more deliberately, each smack penetrating me.

" Shall we see how pinkened her bottom has become Catherine? "

He signaled for me to lift my hips and he pulled down the pants so they neatly sat below my bottom, I could feel them straining a little across the tops of my thighs so I moved my legs a little more neatly together.

My bottom felt swollen , plumped up, proud and presented to them, naked across his knee. I kept my eyes closed, feeling their wandering eyes all over me again. His hands smoothed over the heat.

" Catherine my love, are you seeing now how Olivia likes to have her bottom treated and what an obedient girl she is? "

Catherine whispered back to him with that same arousal in her voice, and I squirmed as my thoughts held both of their arousal within my own.

He didn't stop until I could feel nothing but the burn in my cheeks, the wetness splashed out between my legs, and the taste of wanting to please in my mouth.


Part two will follow shortly.... I got tired!!

Your Help.

Hello !

On January 7th I am due to hand in my thesis, and will finally become a Mistress of Science ( an MSc qualification in Psychology that I have been studying part time for the last 2 years ), unleashed into the real world to hopefully start applying some of my academic study into useful and meaningful constructs for everyone!

I have been doing a very in-depth qualitative study about sexual expression with a relatively small number of participants, using Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis as my means of reading the data, however to add a different depth and perspective to my study I thought I may add another survey to widen my sample of participants.  I haven't run this through the ethics committee ( oops ! ;-) ) or asked my tutor about this, but I did think it might be enlightening, revealing, helpful, IMPORTANT even...to ask all of you to participate should you have the time.

I've set up a 10 question online survey that will take no more than 15 minutes, and all data is anonymous. It is a bit basic and very condensed from my full blown questions as I don't have a Survey Monkey account and had to narrow them down to 10, so apologies if they are a bit wordy and crammed!!

If you are at all curious about my study, or if you'd like to participate, then please just click on the link below and I will be very very  grateful!

Many thanks,

Olivia
X

One person out of those that have been kind enough to do the survey expressed concern about the ethics issue. Since posting this I have had a meeting with my tutor and because the questions are a part of my wider research they are validated by my original application to the ethics committee.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=EBijsUYJtsiw7rhIE6c_2fLg_3d_3d

My First Meme.

One of my favourite bloggers, Shannee, had this meme on her blog. I've never done one before, but tonight, despite being put to bed, I still cannot sleep.... so I thought I'd give it a try.

Layer 1 : Tell us your...

* Name: Olivia Manners, obviously not my real name but I hope I do have manners ;-)

* Birthday: July 15th

* Current location: London, UK

* Eye colour: Green...really really green!

* Hair colour: A dark warm brown.  It was blonde until I was 4, and from 12 to 28 it has been various shades of black, red, blonde and brown. It has been its natural colour for over 3 years now.

* Height: 5'4"

* Righty or lefty : Right handed, but I can spank with both :-)

* Zodiac sign: Cancer, and I think I am quite a typical Cancerian in many ways. 

Layer 2 : What's.....

* Your heritage: Irish and English, although I often get called an English Rose or am told I look Spanish or Italian...slight contradiction and may be to do with how much sun I have had :-)

* The shoes you wore today: Some black lace up ankle boots with a pair of vintage canvas spats.

* Your weakness: Cheese, MSN chatting, old men,  new adventures, my libido

* Your fears: Not being loved. Not living in the truth.  I don't really fear anything else.

* Your perfect pizza: Thin, crispy base, blue cheese, toasted walnuts and baked pear.

* Goals you'd like to achieve: To find a more wide-spread, meaningful and impactful way to support others in the discovery, understanding, acceptance and expression of their sexuality. To help support and design better and more effective ways for people to communicate in relationships throughout their lifetime, and as their relationships shift. To be a part of something ( maybe a social movement )that works towards shifting mindsets and values away from such a materialistic focussed world, to something more meaningful, accepting of complexity and contradiction and with equality and compassion. To love myself more. To regain greater trust in myself. To always strive to feel alive!

* Your first waking thoughts: The man who gives me love and a smacked bottom.

* Your best physical feature: My eyes, and I have very tiny nostrils which are quite funny.

* Your most missed memory: People that I love who are no longer in my life any more,or the relationship has changed, although I still have them in my memory, so that is sometimes enough.

Layer 3: Do you...

* Smoke: I do, socially, and I've been paying attention to this more recently as I receive a stroke of the cane for each one I have! I'm one of those annoying people who can not smoke for 2 weeks but then may have a few of an evening. But I do know that this is even more of a reason to not do it at all.

* Cuss: No, I rarely swear at all.

* Sing: Only when I am alone, most of all I love to sing in my car, driving at full speed along the motorway. I am a terrible singer and when I was at school nobody would stand next to me in assembly because my voice was so bad it made them laugh at hymn time. I have quite a deep voice.

* Do you think you've been in love: I do yes.

* Did you go to college: Yes, when I was 18 I went to Uni, and then I went back again to do a Masters when I was 30.

* Liked high school: No, it wasn't a very happy time for me, although there are some aspects ofd it that I remember fondly.

* Want to get/ stay married: I've never wanted to get married.

* Believe in yourself: About some things, yes. When I shut out the voices of the same one or two people in my life who've lead me to doubt myself, then I often believe in myself.

* Think you're attractive: Sometimes. When I am at my most alive I am most attractive, my eyes sparkle extra green and everything just lights up and glows.

* Think you're a health freak: I do not look after myself health wise anywhere near enough.

* Get along with your parents: I love them for who they are, and they love me for who I am, and we connect on some levels but not on others. I am very lucky to have such a supportive Mum. My Dad loved me in his way.

* Like thunderstorms: LOVE them, especially when I am in bed.

* Play an instrument: I used to play the violin, piano and recorder when I was at school. I've just started to learn the cello. But I must say that music is not something I have a natural talent for.

Layer 4: In the past month have you...

* Drank alcohol: Yes! Although I don't drink very much. I like nice, heavy red wines, sometimes a Gin & Tonic, and then the odd pint of cider. 

* Smoked: Yes.

* Done a drug: No.

* Made out: I have yes, and very nice it was too ;-)

* Gone on a date: I have yes, once with a nice young man and once with an Irish lass.

* Gone to the mall: No, I don't like shopping centers, I am a market girl and vintage boutique shopper!

* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: I think this must be an American meme. I have not, but I have eaten a whole box of Dairylea triangles all in one go.

* Eaten sushi: Yes, vegetarian sushi.

* Been on stage: Not on stage but on a film set.

* Been dumped: No, not yet. Hopefully I won't be either :-)

* Gone skating: Yes, ice skating at Tower Bridge with the Irish lass.

* Gone skinny dipping: It is a little cold for that at this time of year.

* Stolen anything: Not without asking first.

Layer 5: Have you ever...

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: I have yes, every day when I am having to change into specified knickers feels a bit like that :-)

* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Um...yes!

* Been caught " doing something": I am not sure what this means, sexually , no never, but I have been caught doing things I shouldn't have.

* Been called a tease: No. In fact at school I used to get teased for being such a rubbish tease ( or flirt as we say in England! )

* Gotten beaten up: I was slapped in the face once.

* Shoplifted: I did when I was younger on a day visit to a Butlin's holiday camp in Wales. We all got caught and I still feel guilty about it to this day!

Layer 6 :

* Age you did get/ hoped to be married: I haven't and I don't intend to...although if I were to get married I'd quite like a Celtic Pagan wedding in a forest clearing with lots of twinkling fairy lights and horses and fawns grazing, and beautifully dark and haunting music ...delivered in the moonlight.

* Numbers and names of children ( either you have or want ): I don't have children and I'm not sure that I want children either. I like being a Sister, friend, Auntie and Mentor to lots of people and giving/ sharing my love in that way.

* Describe your dream mate: Funny and playful, kind, curious, tall, dark hair, green or blue eyes, inquisitive, beguiling, an effortless intimacy that fits with mine, generous, wise, open heart and mind, adventurous, rooted into the ground and able to soar up high too. If it was to be a woman then I do like long hair. But something tells me that my dream mate would almost be indescribable and that is what would make them my dream mate.

* How do you want to die: In a way that leaves peace for those that are still here. And that keeps intact all that I have learnt in this life to go forward in to the next.

* What do you want to be when you grow up: A whole person with love flowing out and love being received in.

* What country would you most like to visit: Argentina, for the horseback riding across vast plains and over mountains, the tango, and the Malbec.

Layer 7: Now tell.....

* Name a drug that you have taken illegally: pretty much all of them when I was younger, except heroine.

* Name a person you could trust with my life: My other Dad, to name just one.

* Name a favourite CD that you own: A set of 4 CD's that were given out to each guest at my friends wedding last year...each guest had to dedicate a song to the couple, and they put them all on disc for us. I love both the variation of music on them from across the generations as well as the different memories that are attached to the songs as they were played throughout the day.

* Number of piercings: Ears but I rarely wear earrings, in fact I don't wear any jewelry except for a bracelet from the Second World War, called a sweetheart bracelet, that has special significance to me.

* Number of tattoos: None.

* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Three times I think, all when I was younger - once for winning a county tennis trophy, once for winning a swimming competition, and once when I was 16 for starting a fashion show event for my art GCSE.

* Name a past experience you regret: Not trusting people's affection for me more. But really, as much as it is a cliche, I don't hold on to regret.

Thanks for reading, if you did ;-)

Love Our Lurkers Day.

Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts is today hosting the third Love Our Lurkers Day and has asked us to encourage anyone that lurks around here to delurk and say hello!

Last year 83 spanking - orientated blogs posted Love Our Lurkers messages and they received 1444 comments, but it is not the quantity of comments that is important, it is the meeting of new friends, readers, and like-minded spirits.

This year I am one of 135 bloggers that have been asked to participate and my hope is that in doing so some or even just one of my readers will peek out, so.... introduce yourself, ask a question, share a story, or just say a simple hello... whatever you feel inspired to do.

I can understand your lurking, I lurked for a long time before I started this blog and it feels kind of safe being there I think, but I'd love to get to know my readers a little more, and I'd love for them to experience being a part of this community more.  I wouldn't flatter myself that I even have any readers or lurkers except my profile on blogger has been viewed nearly 4000 times since April.

So who are you?

You intrigue me!

I'm interested in you!

Delurk and come out and play ;-)

Happy Buzzy Wiggly Energy.

I spent the whole weekend at home this weekend, finishing unpacking even though I moved over 2 months ago. I have a lot of clothes! And .. um....knickers ;-)

As I was going about my tidying and sorting and general organising of my life ( and YES, I did iron my knickers as requested ), a smile would often break out across my face and a wonderful surge of energy would swell through my body . I'd found this happening to me all week, knew that the source of it was coming through the lovely left-over sensations and memories of smacked bottom times, and was enjoying noticing what that energy was encouraging me to go and do.

That energy that is all at once naughty, wriggly, calming, content feeling, cosy, energising, full of love, and contagiously smile-making, left me wondering how I could capture it, and put it into pretty little glass bottles, and send it as gifts to my friends.

 

Being Different.

Being or feeling different is quite expected, I know. After all, we are all different!

But in a quite pain filled telephone call with my Mum yesterday, she gently pointed out to me that different does not have to mean distant. 

I could just choose to not analyse this much, seeing it very simply as a stark truth, revealing that I don't spend enough time with my family, who are incredibly loving and generous to me, and as a gentle nudge to stop being quite so selfish and more compassionate about how I spend my time and what I give of myself to whom and how. And on one level I *am* going to be more conscious of this and work harder to be a better daughter and sister and grandchild.

But it also got me thinking about family and why I have felt it very important to create other 

"family" around me over the years. 

My Mum has always said that I left home when I was 11. I didn't physically pack a bag of course, but I did make sure I was there as little as I possibly could be and emotionally once I walked out that door away from them I locked it tight shut right into when I reached adulthood. Even now, when I am sitting round the table with them at Christmas dinner for example, I feel oddly separate from them and intensely guilty that I feel that way towards people who show me nothing other than love and kindness.

For as long as I can remember I've always been searching in some way for people that understand me. That is one reason why the people I have met in the last 3 years through the world of spanking/Discipline are so important to me. Even with all of my diverse and wonderful friends and my family, some of whom know more of me than others, and whom I cherish and am grateful to for their acceptance ( with a few I'd describe it more as tolerance! ) of me, it is still a very powerful thing ( and need, I'm embarrassed to say ) for me to have conversations with people who I can be fully me with, who don't just accept, but who fully understand, who don't just nod that it intellectually makes sense, but who share the same kind of instinctive, emotional responses to all of this.

And feeling different isn't because I like spanking ( we know that really isn't *that* unusual! ) This is more about the nature and dynamics of the current intimate relationships in my life and the overall philosophy by which I want to share love and intimacy within my life as I go in to the future.

Maybe I am wrong to seek understanding from others because it in some way suggests a failing on my part or that I need others to validate who I am? 

I'm uncertain about that and it depends on whether I am having a day of seeing myself in a positive light or not! 

But through greater self-awareness I do feel I now embrace this feeling of difference, and yet I would like to find a way for different not to mean distant from my family. 

In Preparation.

It's either a phone call, or a text message, or an email or an IM chat and then I know when I will next be receiving a smacked bottom.

From the moment I know when that will be it becomes ever so hard to concentrate on anything else!

For those of you that live with your spanking partner I imagine you still sometimes have to wait, that there is a build up, an anticipation, a wait for them to return home, and probably sometimes your spankings can also happen spontaneously just because of your proximity to one another..um, in the same house! :)

I always have some build up, it can sometimes be hours but it is most often a few days. On the morning of " Discipline Day ", I often do those usual girly things of getting ready for a date, a bit of grooming etc :)  Although I am not really sure why I bother as I get pretty ruffled pretty quickly when I am across his knee.

Sometimes I'll have been told what knickers he expects to see me in, other times I deliberate for a little while, choosing which pair to wear after imagining the expression he is likely to have when he lifts my skirt. 

Then I often just sit still for a while and try and settle the butterflies in my tummy, then I'll be up again and might even open up the drawers where all the implements are kept, mostly considering if I should once and for all * loose* the plimsoll.

I've been known to barely sleep the night before, nervous excitement is not much of a sleeping anecdote ( although it is amazing how much a smacked sore bottom is ).

Most recently , I was so fidgety that I was doing the hoovering when he arrived :)

I was wondering how other readers prepare for their spanking, both mentally and physically!

And also how Spankers prepare too.... like do they need to do any hand exercises ;-)

P.s.  Something I learnt yesterday, was in future I MUST NOT log in to my blogger account when I am intoxicated upon arriving home from the pub.... there used to be drunken text messages, there is now the extra hazard of drunken blog posts / comments   ;-0

Another Vignette.

" Step inside"

I was stood in my navy duffle coat, the piece of paper crumpled and slightly sodden in my hands.

The instructions had been very clear and I knew what I was arriving too.

Something that I had imagined again and again in my mind.

I did step inside. Inside into their home, and inside into something that had been welling up for a long time in my heart.

He looked more himself than I had ever seen. This was where he needed to be to. I could see the excitement in his eyes, like I had come home to him.

He took my hand, taking me off the door step, taking me into our world that we had created so many times in our imagination. 

It was all unspoken. He just nodded, I knew to just look at him and follow his eyes, follow instinctively what I knew he had planned.

I walked up the stairs, feeling him watching me. I walked into the bedroom right ahead of me.

She was there, sat on the bed waiting for me. As I entered the room, she stood up. We exchanged looks. 

I slipped off my coat, shivered , it was damp, I was cold. My cheeks were glowing, partly through the cold having stung them, partly through the anticipation of being here. Here, in my room, a room prepared for me, my place to stay, with them.

I took in the room then. A tidy, thoughtfully prepared guest bedroom. Mirrors that I knew had found there way there because they had an important place. A wardrobe with one door hung open, a rail decorated with pressed and prepared outfits that I could only assume were for me. And on the bed, layed out with precision, my clothes. 

I even smiled then, through the overwhelming nerves and excitement and trepidation, I smiled at the site of the uniform, of the knickers, of the contradiction of their familiarity and embarrassment. 

Standing still, taking in all that was around me, I waited for her. My bag slipped off my shoulder and crumpled to the floor. 

She walked towards me and as she reached me I held my hands behind my back. I stood as still as I possibly could as she unbuttoned my blouse, slowly, with care, with purpose, I felt her hand moving down me until she opened it and it slipped off my shoulders and I was stood there, my nipples pricking up with the brush of her hand against them.

She didn't pause here as I thought she might and instead she walked behind me and unzipped my skirt, letting it fall to the ground, leaving me standing there in my knickers. I trembled as she stepped back to look at me a moment.

" I need to prepare you properly for him "

I stayed still, knowing that is what she needed to do and accepting that was how this whole weekend was going to be.

Intimacy.

Some days, not as often anymore, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt about how I have treated people in my past.

I was thinking today about some of the men I have dated ( which isn't really very many! ) and how cold and dismissive I had been with them at times, especially in moments of intimacy. I recognised the feeling today as one of resentment. Not a feeling I am proud to have felt, but it felt like I had unravelled its meaning a little.

I do think that I resented them for not sensing my submissive nature. I resented that they were not responsive or aware of the nuances just beneath the surface. I resented that they only saw what was easy to see. I'd buffer up against people hoping that they would SEE me, try and sparkle for a moment but it would quickly flutter away and I always felt disappointed, let down, and empty of meaning. The shutters would come down and the rest of me would march right in, take control of the situation, and leave it. And leave them.

And I know now that I was expecting ever such a lot of them!  and how incredibly unfair I was being.

Now I know what is my responsibility. And how to take responsibility for it. 

I know that for me intimacy is not possible until I can, from an aliveness within myself, express who I am freely, and be with another person as they express who they are freely with neither of us feeling the need to shut down or protect ourselves.

Having found this kind of intimacy, I am so grateful to have come to know my own self more,to have learnt how to express and communicate who I am and I hope this is helping me to have softer and more honest experiences with others.

My Anchor.

I'll swim out.

He'll be watching, a caring eye glinting with affection and excitement.

A hand gently nudging me to go a little further.

A smile of encouragement.

I did use to swim, I did swim out, I swam out far, and deep, but I never came up for breath.

I had my eyes shut a lot.  Or I was swimming so fast that I didn't see all that was around me.

Or I'd swim like a dead weight, often feeling it was only a matter of time before I'd sink to the bottom.

These familiar waters feel warmer now, they are a place I want to inhabit and open my eyes to.

Now, I stop, I bob in the water. I'll play there a while, or I'll happily and peacefully just float.

I turn back to look at him and he is still there, watching and waiting.

Sometimes he can't watch or he can't see me, because I have dived right down to the depths, or I've turned a corner, but then I swim back to him and show him all that I discovered on my way.

I'll bring him gifts of my stories, or something I've seen that I'll know he'll especially like. 

Now, I'll swim into new places too, my stroke is stronger and I glide through the water with more grace and knowing. A toe dipped in to a forbidden rock pool that I may have naughtily dipped my toe in before, but this time He is there to raise an eyebrow and gently steer me away from it. 

Now, when I am standing on the rock, poised and preparing to dive in, He is there in the corner of my eye and the corner of my heart quietly cheering and reassuring. I notice that I pay that little bit more attention to how well I point my toes, how much more mindful I am to getting the dive as good as it can possibly be, and when I am surging through the water on my way back up for air, I know he will be there to share that with.

My adventurous and independent spirit has a place to rest now, a place to go back to and feel safe within, a place to go back to where I can show all of me and bring with me those things I may have picked up on my way that I am not proud of or don't know how to shake off.

Swimming back to him I am sometimes tired, but there is a small trail of lights on the sea bed that guide me there. 

Sometimes I arrive and collapse on the deck spluttering water and flailing my arms.

Sometimes I just cannot swim back there fast enough ;-)

It's cosy and warm and replenishing. It is steadfast.

The Eyes.

At the beginning of this year I met a girl 10 years my junior. She was painfully awkward in herself, under-confident, shy and incredibly defensive.  Attempt at conversation was often met with tightly folded arms at her chest and her hair shielding her face whilst a forced few words were spoken.

During the last 9 months I have seen each part of her start coming to life, like a doll, each limb awakening as if in the Midnight scene of the Nutcracker ballet. And then this week it was as if the fully alive doll began to walk, to stride with easy movement. And this was because her eyes had suddenly come to life, like the last part of her had switched themselves on. I couldn't work out what it was at first, but then I saw them, partly because they were no longer hidden by her hair, but also because they just shone, and her smile lit them up even more as if working together from the same mechanism. 

What had happened in the last 9 months?  She found the courage to step into exploring her life-long desire to be spanked. With each step she's been a little more adventurous, a little more able to speak of what she wants and a little more able to reach out, accept and enjoy it when she's found it.  This week she told her 2 childhood friends and that was when her eyes changed. It was as if that was the last piece in place, fully absolved and all of herself present and accepted and in harmony.

It has been an affecting journey to watch, so I just wanted to share it with you.

It made me think too of what people have said of me over the last 3 years. They have mentioned my eyes, and particularly after I have been spanked, friends ( not knowing why of course ) have commented on the vividness of their colour.

 I wear colour now too, and having my long, almost waist length hair cut into a playful bob marked my lighter and more weightless self. My head feels like it is held a little higher and my smile is broader, and I know that even the way I walk feels slightly different, and I don't just mean when I am trying to walk with a sore and tender bottom ;-)

Seeing my friend this week has been such a reminder to me of how connecting fully with our sexuality brings us fully to life.

I'm wondering if any readers of this blog have memories of when they came " alive", if they'd describe it in that way, and if they noticed physical changes too.

The Package.

My Disciplinarian once wrote me a story called " The Package" and it was all about an older gentleman sending a beautifully wrapped brown paper parcel to a young lady at her workplace full of delicious instructions and blush making wares. 

I was imagining what package I'd most like to receive today and all of the details it might contain...

It is a concertina style folder, brought to the front door by an elegant older lady ( I often imagine Kristen Scott Thomas in these kind of scenarios ! ).....

She doesn't speak a word,  just places it in my hands and walks back with an impressive poise towards her car.

Untying the ribbon, the folder falls open, each compartment lined with a deep red satin, and the dividing tab on each one numbered, guiding me where to look first.

1) I pull out a slip of paper with a hand written note  " See the colour of this satin sweetheart? I chose it carefully to match the shade that your bottom cheeks will be one hour from now."

2) In the next compartment there is an empty white envelope, and written on the front " Now remove your knickers, fold them neatly into this envelope and seal it, placing it back in the sleeve of this folder for me to inspect upon your arrival here in due course."

3) The delicate lace hem of some Edwardian bloomers is spilling over the edge of the third compartment, upon pulling them out a parcel label threaded through there waistband reads " Remove your dress, unfasten your bra,  and when you are fully naked you may read the instructions in the next compartment."

4) In the next compartment, slightly distorting the neat shape of the paper sleeve is an ebony hairbrush, another handwritten note tied around the handle " You may now telephone me ".

A recorded message speaks down the telephone.

" I assume you are fully naked? "

" Good, now go and kneel by your bed and under my instruction you will use that hairbrush on your bare bottom for two whole minutes, making sure that you cover each cheek with a thoroughness as if I was doing so with my own hands."

" I shall give you one minute to get yourself prepared"

A pause.

" You may start, and remember the colour of that satin, that is how I want your bottom cheeks to look, understood?"

After 2 minutes.

" You may stop and do not rub your bottom but you may go and look in the next compartment of the folder".

End of message.

5) This is a typed message, set out like an old telegram " I hope your bottom is sore and crimson now. Step into the bloomers and tie the waist into a neat bow. When you have done so you will go to the window of your front room, turn so that your bottom is facing out toward the beautifully composed woman still sitting in her car, and you will stand with your feet 12 inches apart, your back slightly arched, your hands on your head and ensure that your bloomers are parted with a precision that presents your reddened bottom to her just so. You will stand like this for 2 minutes. "

6) The last compartment has a photo inside, a previously taken photograph of my bottom, freshly spanked and on view for him. The final note " I expect that your bottom is looking not dissimilar to this, and no doubt your face is crimson too. Good girl and well done for being so obedient. If you call this number the woman in the car will bring you your final gift, and then deliver you to me, perfectly packaged to receive a final caning, with her there to witness it and hold you firmly in place across my desk. I shall look forward to seeing you soon my darling. "

After telephoning her, she comes inside with a beautiful plain ivory classic music hall corset. Standing there with my deep crimson stained bottom, framed by the fragile gauzy bloomers, fully exposed to this most composed woman who is lacing me into the corset..... and ready to be taken to him.

As I was writing this I wanted to start elaborating on how I would feel after each instruction, but that would have ended up as a story within itself, and most of all this post was to ask any of you what package you would most like to receive.

What would it contain?

Who would deliver it?

What would it look like?

Where would you be when you received it?

Olivia

x

Expressions.

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Pink Cheeked Mademoiselles

At the moment I only want to write about very straight forward things on this blog. 

I think what I realised after my last post is that there are things that at the moment are better left resting in the shadows, its cooler there, more soothing, and safe from others eyes.

Until I feel able to write more intimately and in a way that feels truthful and honoring all I am experiencing ( which I haven't done so far ) and feel comfortable rather than compromised incase I may hurt some people,   then I'd rather keep to the light hearted stuff.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So... Pink Cheeked Mademoiselles, the group I created in September last year has moved to a new venue. It was housed at Coffee, Cake & Kink in London but alas, due to their circumstances, we've needed to source a new residence. Quite a few people found out about the group through the CCK website, but I thought it made sense in these new circumstances to now post about it here.

The group started out as me just wishing to create a space for other women dipping their toe in the spanking/ Discipline/ blushing cheek water to meet, where we could freely chat about our hopes, fantasies, experiences, fears and have fun along the way too.

There are now quite a group of us, although still small enough to feel like an intimate " club" as some come each month, others step in and out when they can, all at different points in our journey. We have topics chosen collectively by the group each month, and we now have a few "outings" planned too, sometimes things are serious and supportive, other times they are light and playful. What I have enjoyed most is seeing women form friendships with one another that have enabled them to go off and be safely and supportingly adventurous together.

If you are interested in coming to Pink Cheeked Mademoiselles and would like to know the address of the new venue then email me at:

oliviamanners@hotmail.co.uk

It is always on the first Monday of every month and this next meeting on the 1st September will be our first Birthday !

The image is the holding page for our new website.

www.pinkcheekedmademoiselles.co.uk

P.s.  Quite a few very kind French people over the last 11 months have let me know that Mademoiselles is incorrectly spelt, but I have chosen to keep it as such, because my Disciplinarian actually thought up the name, and he is supposed to be masterful at French, so it always makes me smile  ( sorry darling : )  )

P.P.s  It is also currently just for women and this was a thought out and deliberate choice, however a group for Gentlemen will also be starting shortly, and who knows, we may even link up at times :)

A different kind of grief.

I reach up for the green and white polka dot oval suitcase that I used to run away with when I was 11.

The girl watches me from the bed, sat there with her legs dangling over the side, her head dropped a little but her eyes still watching me, hands clasped in her lap as if almost praying.

I face her bravely, staying composed, trying to reassure.

Placing the case open on the bed, I make sure that the length of satin is neatly arranged as a cushioning, tucking it into the edges, trying to show her the care that I intend to extend to her, even when shut away.

I don't want to do this, it doesn't feel like she has been here very long.

Her quietness is disconcerting but then I know she was still just finding her voice, so I can't expect her to speak up, especially not now, not in this moment.

She feels surprisingly light as I lift her up, ever the girl wanting to please, to make things easy. Partly I think she knows that she needs a rest, that she is weary but I'd never expect her to resist anyway.

My heart is heavy as I lay her gently down on her back inside the case. Her body is limp now and I can fold each of her limbs over the sides of the case so they are resting against her. She knows her place, she willingly fits back in to the case where she was held for so long. 

Her eyes don't close before they first look straight into me. 

" Nobody has even really known I've come out to play " her whisper breaks a little with a flitter that lacks resolve.

I can't let her see my pain, all I want to show her is my faith in seeing her again. 

I can't even speak to her, all I can do as I lay her picture down against the folds of her dress, is show her with my eyes, that she is safe in here, and that I will keep looking after her.

Lowering the top of the case down as she lowers her eyelids and it darkens inside, I grip around my waist with my other arm. I can't quite snap shut the metal clasp, but as I lift the rounded case back onto the top shelf of my wardrobe I know I have to take down the black patent one that sits beside it.

Sensations.

When laying there across some pillows, face down, with my bottom propped up, bared and framed by my knickers unless they have been pulled back up, slightly quivering and freshly spanked......

Depending on how I have been spanked, it tingles, it stings, it burns, it could be one of many shades of pink, and it is also still ripe to be enjoyed further...

And that could be done in many ways!

Today though I was musing over what sensations feel nice on freshly spanked bottom cheeks, and wondered what other people enjoyed.

To name a few that I enjoy...

• The bristles of the hairbrush being lightly drawn across my tingling skin
• Cotton knickers being pulled back up and softly encasing the warmth from my bottom cheeks in there folds
• Wet knickers being pulled back up and clinging clammily over my pink cheeks
• Having my bottom cheeks ejaculated over, and feeling the soothing coolness from it being smeared into my burning skin

What about you?

Olivia

x

Friends.

Tonight was the last night of Pink Cheeked Mademoiselles at Coffee,Cake& Kink. It was lovely to see everyone and also a little sad as we know that we have to find a new place to convene. 

I did have to leave very promptly afterwards as I had drinks arranged with a very lovely and prolific blogger from this scene. I had such a lovely time, and most of all I know that is because the young woman I met this evening, apart from being just intellectually engaging and very beautiful, she was also the first person I have ever met who is bisexual and polyamorous and near my age.  In fact she is the first person I have come across who shares nearly all aspects of my sexuality, and that is very exciting, comforting, thrilling and heart warming.

Thank you P.... :)

and thank you to my Disciplinarian, who even in his absence gives me strength and love.

Olivia

xx

A Little Vignette.

I walked through the front door and you were stood there waiting for me. Calm and present and holding me with your gaze.

" Hello my darling, how was it? "

You held out your hand, and I placed mine into it, instantly feeling safe and aware of my cheeks blushing softly.

" It was okay " I whispered, a mixture of coyness, embarrassment and tired pleasure in my voice.

Leading me up the stairs, you turned back to look at me, " I look forward to hearing all about it..." My eyes quickly lowered from meeting yours to your feet in front of me, as I nodded and held my lip firmly between my teeth.

Sitting on the edge of the bed you pulled me gently at my hips to stand between your knees. Looking up at me, tilting your head slightly to try and meet my constantly averting eyes.

" No need to be so shy sweetheart, I take it from the expression on your face that you did meet your target, and did as I asked? "

I nodded, already a little lost for words, my tummy leaping with excitement and dread and a fluttering uncertainty at what you were going to say or do.

" So you found someone to fuck your bottom mm? "

You spoke in your familiar matter of fact tone. Your complete nonchalance at asking such an intimate question made me blush all the more.

You gripped your knees a little tighter around me and took my hands in yours, encouraging me to speak up.

" Well ? "

" Yes Sir, I did " I bit down again on my lip, trying to turn away from you, wanting to hide my face, feeling naughty and filthy and ashamed, and yet strangely proud too, because I knew it was what you had expected of me.

You always did everything so slowly, it seemed forever that I waited for your next response. It wasn't until you had reached up and started to unbutton my dress that you spoke again.

" Very good darling"

Your fingers purposefully moved through the buttons down the length of my dress letting the fabric fall open in your trail.

My breasts quivered as you stroked past them and I drew in my breath.

" And how is your bottom feeling mm? "

I squirmed a little despite the still unruffled tone of your voice. It was hard to concentrate on what you were asking me, not only because the question itself was reminding me of what a naughty girl I had been, but also because you were now slipping my dress over my shoulders so that I was standing there just bra and knickers, nipples hard, knickers partly stuck to me.

You looked over my body and then directly at me, waiting for my answer.

I tripped out the words, squirming as I moved my weight from one foot to the other. " My bottom is sore Sir...."

" Did he have a large cock then? " Your eyes fixed on mine.

My face heated up and I looked at you with pleading eyes. I had known you would ask me every detail and yet every question left me feeling newly and suitably embarrassed.

" He did Sir, yes" My voice trailed off as under your guiding hands I crouched momentarily so you could unclip my bra.

Just as I felt the prickle of vulnerability and excitement of my breasts falling free, feeling you gaze at them, you took me captive with another question.

" Did you enjoy it? "

I floundered with my answer, red faced and acutely aware of how hard my nipples had become I tried to cover myself.

" Hands on your head darling " and I gasped as in tandem of me reaching for my head, you had placed your hand on the front of my knickers. You cupped me as I tried to keep still, feeling your hand against me there had caused me further discomposure, my tummy tumbling and my throat clasped in an invisible grip.

" I am only going to have to lower your knickers and I will have my question answered sweetheart". 

With which after pressing your fingers into me for a moment, you slipped them into the waistband of my knickers and pulled them down slowly to rest at my knees, and level with your lap.

I cried out softly, holding back from covering myself, squirming under your gaze, and gasping again as you pulled the knickers outwards so that the gusset was resting, exhibited on your knee.

You looked down at the knickers running a finger across the sticky silk satin, and then looked back up at me.

" I think we can conclude that you DID enjoy yourself, you have certainly made a mess of these knickers we brought you for the occasion. "

I choked, my cheeks burning.

" I'm sorry Sir" I squirmed at your tone.

You slipped the knickers right down and instructed me to step out of them.

" Now lets get you cleaned up so that I can put you to bed " and you lead me, naked, to the bathroom.

You had already run me a bath, anticipating me being home at the time we had agreed, and you sat me down on the toilet seat whilst you topped it up with some hotter water. I sat shivering, grateful for the care you were taking getting the temperature comfortable, but knowing that your enquiries were not over yet.

" Do you need to go to the toilet before I bathe you? "

I shook my head, and you took my hand and helped me step into the bath. I felt conscious of your eyes examining me as I knelt down into the water.

You tilted my chin up to look at you, my face flushed and my eyes struggling to settle on yours.

" You are a good girl for getting your bottom fucked today"

I whimpered softly, lowering my eyes and delighting in my obedience. And you started to soap my shoulders and then my breasts gently with a sponge.

" Is your bottom still sore darling? "

I nodded slowly as you guided me to turn my back towards you.

All firmed up!

Or so I hope :)

I have been away for a little while and lots of things are changing at the moment, so for now it is just a short, perhaps trivial, little post.

It is my assumption that many people who like spanking also like bottoms! And although my own bottom is not something that I spend any time looking at ( unless I am told to in the mirror ) I am starting to think about ways I might just ensure its buoyancy a little longer. 

I could spend time trawling the web for bottom firming exercises but I just imagined that those of us into spanking would likely have our own array of ways to keep our bottoms firmly bouncing under our partners hands. 

I DO believe that regular spankings aide this cause, but I also wondered what other ways women ( and men! ) have found to tone their bottom cheeks? 

Olivia

X

Beyond Embarrassing.

This afternoon my old flatmate and dear friend came over for tea, and we were looking through old photographs. We came upon some snaps from a holiday we'd shared in Ibiza a few Summers ago ( up in the mountains, not raving in the clubs I might add! ) and I remembered, and so did she, the strange marks she had noticed escaping from my bikini bottoms despite my every attempt to hide them.

Embarrassment has always been central to the dynamic I share with my Disciplinarian, and I believe in this instance he had quite purposefully ensured my discipline session fell on the day before I was due to go away that week. Regardless of me reminding him that in less than 24 hours I might like to lay on the beach in a swimsuit, he continued to thoroughly chastise me and talk very matter of fact about how I would just have to explain to whomever saw any marks, how I had been a naughty girl and needed to have my bottom smacked. Imagining my potential predicament at the time did make me squirm and blush hugely, but actually for the first few days of my holiday it almost went beyond embarrassing as I attempted to carefully keep my bottom out of view..climbing out of pools backwards and the like.

This is one of several times when my bottom has been left with very timely marks, absolutely on purpose! and I love the feelings of embarrassment this rouses in me.

I wondered what situations others have found themselves in, whereby someone has noticed something amiss on your bottom, and how you have responded to it?

Olivia X

Simple words, lots of meaning.

It would be lovely to see what other bloggers create using this Tag Cloud tool.... go to http://wordle.net/

Olivia X

Standing before the jury!

That is how I have felt at times when people learn that I wasn't curiously fascinated by smacked bottoms from a very young age. 

My hands go up, I don't think I was born with the spanko gene!

But I was definitely born with some kinky gene ( I'd have to say a pretty huge one! ) that began it's life quite quietly.  Spanking was never on my radar when I was younger. It certainly was not in my childhood, with a very liberal Mum and a Dad who lived miles away. I have no recollection of even hearing of anyone being spanked, and I am too young for Corporal Punishment to have still existed ( legally anyway ) in my school days. Enid Blyton was out of the children's top 10 by then, and I have no memory of spanking being mentioned in  Judy Blume's stories or Roald Dahl's tales.

I do remember always having a fascination with bottoms, and in childhood games with friends that did seem to dominate as an area of play, very innocently then of course. In private, those games grew into stories in my mind that developed beyond what I could possibly share with anyone else, and increasingly so as I grew older. Desires to be inspected, exposed and embarrassed, to be taken control of and sometimes to serve, and often these would involve a Man of authority, sometimes a Woman too. I remember feeling ashamed at times when my imagination was veering into someone of authority doing something non-consensually to me. And then there were the more tender desires of just wanting to feel small, innocent and held, but feeling great power from that.  

When people have talked with me about growing up with these secret desires and curiosity about spanking, that at times felt confusing, or embarrassing, or privately joyful....waiting/ hoping for that time to express them or that person to share them with, I too have known what it is like to of carried those feelings inside for years, it just wasn't apparent to me until about 3 years ago that a relationship involving spanking and Discipline was like a manifestation of pretty much all of my kinks coming together.

In discovering a way to express these most natural parts of who I am, through the relationship that I have with my Disciplinarian, I now cannot imagine spanking and Discipline not being a part of my life for always.  So much so, that at times I wonder why with all of the wonderful things that a smacked bottom symbolises and can give you, it hadn't occurred to me before.

I wonder if  had I seen someone being spanked when I was younger whether that would have made all of this fall into place so much sooner. Or perhaps I HAD come across spanking in my childhood but the reason I don't have any memory of it is because I don't have that spanko gene. Mostly I am not concerned with looking into the past anymore and trying to analyse why this or why that, but I do still ponder on them sometimes when trying to understand more clearly how much of my love for all of this is tied up to the feelings I have for my Disciplinarian.

Because I can't say that I have always wanted a smacked bottom. But I don't feel that means it isn't a part of who I am now, any less or any more so than those who were born with the gene!

Anyway.... some questions for you!

Have other peoples kink's fanned out from spanking? 

Or like me, have others found that they had a variety of kinks and that the spanking one seems to link all of the others together?

Or perhaps they have a variety of kinks but they all share an equal value and importance rather than there being a ' core ' one?

Or none of the above! :)

With love 

Olivia X

Afterwards.

How have you felt after being spanked?
Is it different depending on the context in which you have been spanked?

For me:

* After a disciplinary spanking I feel relief, forgiveness, focus and ready to start out again on the best footing.

* After a " just because" spanking I feel settled, centered, understood, released and very calm internally but outwardly energised.

* After a " good girl " spanking I feel like skipping.

* After an explicitly erotic spanking I feel a wiggly and insatiable naughtiness :)