Tuesday, 30 September 2008

My Anchor.

I'll swim out.
He'll be watching, a caring eye glinting with affection and excitement.
A hand gently nudging me to go a little further.
A smile of encouragement.

I did use to swim, I did swim out, I swam out far, and deep, but I never came up for breath.
I had my eyes shut a lot.  Or I was swimming so fast that I didn't see all that was around me.
Or I'd swim like a dead weight, often feeling it was only a matter of time before I'd sink to the bottom.
These familiar waters feel warmer now, they are a place I want to inhabit and open my eyes to.

Now, I stop, I bob in the water. I'll play there a while, or I'll happily and peacefully just float.
I turn back to look at him and he is still there, watching and waiting.
Sometimes he can't watch or he can't see me, because I have dived right down to the depths, or I've turned a corner, but then I swim back to him and show him all that I discovered on my way.
I'll bring him gifts of my stories, or something I've seen that I'll know he'll especially like. 

Now, I'll swim into new places too, my stroke is stronger and I glide through the water with more grace and knowing. A toe dipped in to a forbidden rock pool that I may have naughtily dipped my toe in before, but this time He is there to raise an eyebrow and gently steer me away from it. 

Now, when I am standing on the rock, poised and preparing to dive in, He is there in the corner of my eye and the corner of my heart quietly cheering and reassuring. I notice that I pay that little bit more attention to how well I point my toes, how much more mindful I am to getting the dive as good as it can possibly be, and when I am surging through the water on my way back up for air, I know he will be there to share that with.

My adventurous and independent spirit has a place to rest now, a place to go back to and feel safe within, a place to go back to where I can show all of me and bring with me those things I may have picked up on my way that I am not proud of or don't know how to shake off.

Swimming back to him I am sometimes tired, but there is a small trail of lights on the sea bed that guide me there. 
Sometimes I arrive and collapse on the deck spluttering water and flailing my arms.
Sometimes I just cannot swim back there fast enough ;-)

It's cosy and warm and replenishing. It is steadfast.

Monday, 22 September 2008

The Eyes.

At the beginning of this year I met a girl 10 years my junior. She was painfully awkward in herself, under-confident, shy and incredibly defensive.  Attempt at conversation was often met with tightly folded arms at her chest and her hair shielding her face whilst a forced few words were spoken.

During the last 9 months I have seen each part of her start coming to life, like a doll, each limb awakening as if in the Midnight scene of the Nutcracker ballet. And then this week it was as if the fully alive doll began to walk, to stride with easy movement. And this was because her eyes had suddenly come to life, like the last part of her had switched themselves on. I couldn't work out what it was at first, but then I saw them, partly because they were no longer hidden by her hair, but also because they just shone, and her smile lit them up even more as if working together from the same mechanism. 

What had happened in the last 9 months?  She found the courage to step into exploring her life-long desire to be spanked. With each step she's been a little more adventurous, a little more able to speak of what she wants and a little more able to reach out, accept and enjoy it when she's found it.  This week she told her 2 childhood friends and that was when her eyes changed. It was as if that was the last piece in place, fully absolved and all of herself present and accepted and in harmony.

It has been an affecting journey to watch, so I just wanted to share it with you.

It made me think too of what people have said of me over the last 3 years. They have mentioned my eyes, and particularly after I have been spanked, friends ( not knowing why of course ) have commented on the vividness of their colour.

 I wear colour now too, and having my long, almost waist length hair cut into a playful bob marked my lighter and more weightless self. My head feels like it is held a little higher and my smile is broader, and I know that even the way I walk feels slightly different, and I don't just mean when I am trying to walk with a sore and tender bottom ;-)

Seeing my friend this week has been such a reminder to me of how connecting fully with our sexuality brings us fully to life.

I'm wondering if any readers of this blog have memories of when they came " alive", if they'd describe it in that way, and if they noticed physical changes too.

Saturday, 6 September 2008

The Package.

My Disciplinarian once wrote me a story called " The Package" and it was all about an older gentleman sending a beautifully wrapped brown paper parcel to a young lady at her workplace full of delicious instructions and blush making wares. 

I was imagining what package I'd most like to receive today and all of the details it might contain...

It is a concertina style folder, brought to the front door by an elegant older lady ( I often imagine Kristen Scott Thomas in these kind of scenarios ! ).....
She doesn't speak a word,  just places it in my hands and walks back with an impressive poise towards her car.

Untying the ribbon, the folder falls open, each compartment lined with a deep red satin, and the dividing tab on each one numbered, guiding me where to look first.

1) I pull out a slip of paper with a hand written note  " See the colour of this satin sweetheart? I chose it carefully to match the shade that your bottom cheeks will be one hour from now."

2) In the next compartment there is an empty white envelope, and written on the front " Now remove your knickers, fold them neatly into this envelope and seal it, placing it back in the sleeve of this folder for me to inspect upon your arrival here in due course."

3) The delicate lace hem of some Edwardian bloomers is spilling over the edge of the third compartment, upon pulling them out a parcel label threaded through there waistband reads " Remove your dress, unfasten your bra,  and when you are fully naked you may read the instructions in the next compartment."

4) In the next compartment, slightly distorting the neat shape of the paper sleeve is an ebony hairbrush, another handwritten note tied around the handle " You may now telephone me ".

A recorded message speaks down the telephone.

" I assume you are fully naked? "
" Good, now go and kneel by your bed and under my instruction you will use that hairbrush on your bare bottom for two whole minutes, making sure that you cover each cheek with a thoroughness as if I was doing so with my own hands."
" I shall give you one minute to get yourself prepared"
A pause.
" You may start, and remember the colour of that satin, that is how I want your bottom cheeks to look, understood?"
After 2 minutes.
" You may stop and do not rub your bottom but you may go and look in the next compartment of the folder".
End of message.

5) This is a typed message, set out like an old telegram " I hope your bottom is sore and crimson now. Step into the bloomers and tie the waist into a neat bow. When you have done so you will go to the window of your front room, turn so that your bottom is facing out toward the beautifully composed woman still sitting in her car, and you will stand with your feet 12 inches apart, your back slightly arched, your hands on your head and ensure that your bloomers are parted with a precision that presents your reddened bottom to her just so. You will stand like this for 2 minutes. "

6) The last compartment has a photo inside, a previously taken photograph of my bottom, freshly spanked and on view for him. The final note " I expect that your bottom is looking not dissimilar to this, and no doubt your face is crimson too. Good girl and well done for being so obedient. If you call this number the woman in the car will bring you your final gift, and then deliver you to me, perfectly packaged to receive a final caning, with her there to witness it and hold you firmly in place across my desk. I shall look forward to seeing you soon my darling. "

After telephoning her, she comes inside with a beautiful plain ivory classic music hall corset. Standing there with my deep crimson stained bottom, framed by the fragile gauzy bloomers, fully exposed to this most composed woman who is lacing me into the corset..... and ready to be taken to him.

As I was writing this I wanted to start elaborating on how I would feel after each instruction, but that would have ended up as a story within itself, and most of all this post was to ask any of you what package you would most like to receive.

What would it contain?
Who would deliver it?
What would it look like?
Where would you be when you received it?


Monday, 1 September 2008


Before a spanking ( depending on the context of course ) I am mostly so beholden by the anticipation that all else is a blur.

After a spanking I find it hard enough when I am made to look at myself in the mirror to look long enough just to see both sets of cheeks glowing, let alone look for any length of time at what expression I may be pulling. 

During a spanking, despite any purposeful arrangement of mirrors, I'm never specifically conscious of my expression, it is more just an overwhelming " oh my goodness, I am having my bottom spanked". 

In his position my Disciplinarian is much more able to notice and articulate my expression.
Before being spanked he says I look pensive, embarrassed and accepting.
After being spanked I look happy, embarrassed, shy and loving.

What expression have you seen yourself show, or what does your partner say he notices about your expression in any of those moments?

( Images from spankingshame.com, spankingonline.com, northernspanking.com ( x 2 - lovely Amelia and Kami :)  ) in that order )