Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Happy News & something else.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who contributed to my thesis. My course leader contacted me at the weekend to let me know I'd passed and that the study would be being published as well as hopefully receiving some funding to take it further. I didn't want to presume anyone was interested enough to make an announcement as such, but I also didn't want to not acknowledge all of your help and insights.

So, that was a happy moment. And the beginning of more happy moments I hope.

I have to say though that Paul was a core participant in my study and I'm not sure what our telephone interview and the analysis of his data ( which I now know of course is full of untruths ) means for the validity of the results!  

In terms of commenting on that situation I've just stayed quiet. Not because I don't have some pretty strong opinions about it, but because firstly, I don't know all of the facts and secondly because I've been in a situation where I have not been honest with someone, misleading even, and whether the intention was to hurt or not, I did hurt them, so I feel that I am in no place to judge.

All I do want to say is that what I write here is not fiction. Unless I call it a vignette or story of course!
And what I have learnt over the past few years in cyber-land ( blogging and chat rooms ) is that it is very important to me to know that people are real and who they say they are. I can still value simple fantasy exchanges, experience the real time emotions/ arousal, enjoy the imagining etc, but for me to invest time and energy in to any thing that is virtual then truth and realness is central to that.
My way around this is to make things as real as possible. My favourite bloggers in this community all know my real name and have access to my real life professional website etc, in the past few months I've met at least 6 people from this community ( JFlame being one of them and I am so sorry that she is hurting ) and there are a few of those that are now real friends in real life with whom I meet regularly. I know it is not possible for everyone to be revealing of their real identities, or may be possible but is simply not their choice, both of which I understand and respect, I suppose I just wanted to share with people here my positive experiences of this community, which is full of real lovely people.


I've been quite quiet recently.
Riding the horse I guess ( in relation to my last post ) and in regards that aspect of my life I'd say the horse and its mount are both on track!

There are other things though that are just not aligned.
I have to write this as some abstract thought bubble as it is the only way I can free the words starkly on to the page...

"Loving a man, deeply caring about a man, sharing the most intimate things with that man, discovering new things together, learning and growing and understanding through friendship and love with that man, smiling and playing and exploring with that man, being brought alive, being touched, being held, feeling vulnerable and tender with that man. Blossoming, flourishing, feeling vital with that man. And also just a simple love. A very simple almost elemental love. 
Not listening fully to those voices in my head that try and press against the fluttering in my heart, not wanting to face fully the reality or the pain of that, knowing that something that is full of so much honesty is also borne and still exists within so much dishonesty. Swallowing that unwanted taste. Feeling frustrated, feeling a failure that I still sometimes have the word " not enough" in my vocabulary. Knowing that the word " enough" is not what I really mean, but knowing that there is something that is not fully being brought to the surface in me that needs to be. And knowing more and more that it is a need. Feeling full of disappointment in myself that I can't just be grateful , just feel blessed to have what is there, which is so full of so many joyful and powerful and deeply touching things."

Letting go. Not letting go.
Acknowledging that need and being able to just be with it rather than see it as something that is missing or lacking.
Keep twirling with the good things, spinning and buzzing and being carried away. Being still, being held by that simple exchange in our eyes, being softened and calmed by those words, being enveloped in those arms full of love. Holding him in my arms.

Or letting go, and watching the colour drain from my life.

Northern Lad. By Tori Amos.

Monday, 19 January 2009

Mesh of Life.

Life has been moving forward and I feel like I'm in that place right now where the post I wrote on New Years Day is a million miles in to the past.
Its not that I've not thought about it, or read with gratitude and consideration all of the comments that were left for me. I have. I've read, talked, thought, walked, as well as trying to get on with my 2009 as I mean to go on, so I've had to find a way to feel with both the older and newer thoughts together.

Thank you to, Fabsterrant, Olivia ( Livvy ), Andrades, The Voyeur Flaneur, Pandora, The Headmaster, Eliane,, Spanked Italian Gal, , Boxa57 ( Who I can't link to ), Gillette, , Ronnie, , Constance and Mr. C, and Maryann Sloan.

All of your comments helped in some way and those that spoke of control and projection hooked me back in to facing things that I'd perhaps tried to gloss over in the past. Livvy's comment of " I sometimes wonder if by trying so hard to make them not matter, we actually make them matter more" really made me smile.

I think what I've been better able to do these last few weeks is accept.

Accept that I cannot stop myself feeling things.
Accept that my feelings and emotions in regards this are important for me to feel because they are a part of me learning and growing and understanding how to do things differently.
Accept that there is no need to rush or block these feelings because I am resilient enough to be okay through whatever they bring up. And even if I wanted to rush things, I can't, I can't control them, or I shouldn't try to.
Accept that my expectations of people have sometimes come from places that are hopeful, but often imaginary and unrealistic and that has been unfair to both them and myself.

All of these things have been feeling easier to accept because I feel I've truly been able to let go of what I ever thought our relationship/ friendship was in the first place. I could write here that the pedestal was built on untruths, projections, misconceptions etc, and possibly it was, but that is the part that doesn't feel so important anymore, needing to define it in order to be able to understand it has never worked, so that is gone.

All of the things in my life over the past 2 weeks have fed in to this - finishing my thesis, giving up smoking ( I didn't smoke very much but I've not had a cigarette since the 20th December ), being excited by the year ahead, being clearer about what it is that I do and don't want to take forward with me in to this next year of my life journey. I suppose I feel in control, and not in a clutching at the reins, grasping on to the mane, trying to stay in the saddle through any way possible kind of control. ( sorry I have just dipped in to a horse riding imagining there! )

It reminds me of when I was in South Africa about 3 years ago and I went on a beautiful ride in the mountains on an Arab. Although I used to be a well practiced rider I'd never ridden the arab way before, whereby you actually have little grip on the horses mouth, your hands are soft and you place your trust in them entirely. As we embarked on some very steep descents where my natural inclination was to tighten the reigns and try and guide the horse where I thought it looked safe, I learnt to just know and trust that his instincts would get us down the mountain. To sit back in the saddle, to still stay alert and aware but to just accept. At the moment I feel that same calmness, that same sense of things will naturally, instinctively, take care of themselves.

The horse may stumble, or buck or unexpectedly bolt or it may just amble along but whatever it does I know that I'll be able to pick myself up off the ground if I fall, or I'll be able to sit rooted in the saddle and may even enjoy the ride.

As long as my bottom is not too sore of course!

Thank you again for all of your comments.

Thursday, 1 January 2009

The First Day Of A Brand Spanking New Year.

Another break from my work to do what I am not meant to be doing right now, which is to think too much in any depth about anything other than what needs to be completed.

But it is there, this thought, this feeling, this nagging, this weight, this perplexing, unfathomable, confusing energy that just will not leave me.
This isn't a spanking post, but some of you here in this community are amongst the wisest, most thoughtful and thought provoking people I know ( I can see that just from the richness of all the data you gave me in my survey, and thank you again so much for that )...so I hope in posting this here I might gain some insight or advice.

Mostly I work through things, emotional blockages, difficulties, hurts, pain, bad choices I made, guilt etc... it of course takes varying amounts of time but as I enter in to 2009 I'd say that there is so much of my life that feels okay now, more than okay, exciting, vibrant, full of possibility and inspiration. I mean it will of course always be evolving and complex and still at times difficult but I trust myself to be able to embrace all of those things and be with them.

There is just this one thing though. Not a thing, a person. A person who is in my life and I don't know how to manage it. I've tried for a long time now to seek answers in knowing how to aide it feeling differently from how it does, but it * still* feels unresolved within me. This is someone who was once very important to me, I can't really articulate what my feelings were for her because over time I've come to mistrust what my feelings were, what hers were, what the whole nature of everything to do with our relationship was. For some reason I feel I need to just clarify here that it was not a sexual relationship. There was love but I don't know what it was, I truly truly don't. It is the single most baffling thing in my whole life. There was also a lot of pain, I betrayed her. I also didn't trust her but that * may* have been because I misread her actions ( because words don't count in this at all, she was always very seductive with her words) .... but most of all it is something that I've lost all trust in my own judgement over. 

All I do know is that I think I probably had her up on some kind of pedestal, I still do think she is a pretty amazing woman in spite of what has happened between us so it is hard to take her off that pedestal, but I needed to, otherwise I would always be in her shadow. I think I probably have taken her off that pedestal now...I think much of last year was spent doing that but even though she is no longer held up high she is still here...

The one question I asked myself at the beginning of yesterday evenings rituals was " How can I move forward in to 2009 with a neutral feeling about her? "...maybe I am asking the impossible of myself...I'm not sure we can neutralise feelings really...just that over time they become less and less...but this has been over 2 years now, and the most difficult thing is that we * are * in one another's lives. If we were never to see one another again then I can imagine time would just heal it. But we see one another professionally and this is likely to increase I suspect in the year ahead.....and we are also connected through our intimacy with another. Last night I lit 7 candles and did short visualisation with each one. One was lit in the hope of finding resolve in this situation. I visualised cutting a cord from my heart to her and trying to build a different one...one that was still full of love and compassion, as you would wish for any human being , but one that had been grown from a less complicated place, with a less complicated feeling running through it. I wept afterwards because I could kind of feel it hadn't shifted things, I could still feel so much pain and today it is just still there....that feeling....that disquiet, humming of the unresolved.

How do you make someone not matter anymore? Even though you still have high regard for them both professionally and personally. ( and I don't mean that in an unkind way - every human being matters, but you know what I mean ) How do you walk in to a room and have neutral feelings, as if she were just another person in that room? How do you stop comparing and reacting? How do you keep someone at an emotional distance even when they may be physically there? How do you keep trying to heal the wound when each interaction with that person has the potential to crack it right back open? How do you let go of something when you still feel that there is misunderstanding and untruths? And yet you don't even really know if that is true anymore.

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a heavy post. I've posted a fun picture to try and lighten things up a little, but actually I am at a bit of a loss about this.