A New Blog.

For many reasons I have decided to leave this blog and start a new one.

You can find me here...

http://oliviamanners.blogspot.com/

I am going to leave this open so that people may still visit but I shall no longer be posting here.

Obedience.

" There is rare pleasure in obedience. The answer of a good conscience brings into the heart a peace and satisfaction that nothing can destroy. The girl who can fold her hands at night with the knowledge that throughout the day she has been obedient, finds in life a gladness and quietness that nothing else can bring. "

Touching Base.

It's been a while!

Life has been busy and I've had little time to sit and reflect or when I have caught the odd hour in the day I've come here to write and my thoughts would never settle in to a post.

When things feel balanced, grounded and in harmony it almost feels harder to know what to write, but isn't that a shame if all I feel able to do here is write when I'm sad or confused or conflicted.

I think too that now I have offline contact with many people from this community as well as some private blogging havens that I've been invited in to by authors with whom I most often conversed, my engagement with this blog has lessened.

So, Olivia is still here, and thank you for your emails and messages, and she will be back, all spring like and with some stories ( perfect time of year for some birch stories ! ), she is just taking her time..... and thanking you for your patience.

Back home and teetering on tipsiness.

"What do you want in 5 years time?"

That was the question posed to me at dinner this evening.

I know that they all wish for me to be happy, I know that they all wish for the best for me, and I know that they all mostly wish I'd make some different choices.

But what if I don't know what I want in 5 years time?
What if I am okay with not knowing too?
What if another way of seeing things is the day by day, the moment by moment?

Sometimes I think that if I wanted those things that I am " supposed" to want, then it may be clearer to me what I should do. I'm at the beginning of my 30's and friends around have been marrying and conceiving and parenting.
I've never really felt that maternal. I love being a mentor, a good/god mother, an Auntie, just that crazy girl that we visit sometimes will do. I have a lot of love to give but feeling a desire to bear my own children hasn't ever been there, maybe, of course maybe, it will come. It may be that I've not met the " right " person, whatever that means, and I certainly never say never.....

Marriage, did I dream of this when I was a little girl, walking down the aisle in a pretty dress with a pretty bouquet of flowers? No. I think the only part of a wedding day that ever touched my heart was imagining how my Dad might feel if he were able to walk down the aisle with me, but that will never happen....
And really in all my adult life I've never imagined that I will get married.
Maybe it isn't even a question of marriage as I've not often even pictured myself growing old with just one special someone, not that I picture being alone either, I think I picture a place of solitude and community all merged in to one. And lots of times, celebrations, occasions where love and friendship and kindness are the theme.

"But don't you get lonely?"

They look at me as if something is missing and base their questions and care for me from that premise, and because they are seeing my world through that tint of colour, that sense of less-than,  it is maybe harder for them to see and understand why it is that I am choosing to be where I am.

It is not filling a gap.
I feel I'm not seeking anything because I'm not looking for this, or for that.
So you see, all that I share in our intimacy is an add-on. It adds to my experience of life, it is not about meeting a need, but about flourishing. It has no limits and it colours my life with more beautiful shades and depths.

Sadness & Arousal.

Maybe it isn't that surprising that the two would go together.

They are after all, a part of being alive, feeling alive.

Still, it is a powerful tonic that I drank this week.

It is not an isolated feeling, I've felt it before, just a few times as strongly as this though.

Once before, years back now, I felt it with an unequalled intensity, but that was because it was grief.

My ex partner was in the deep belly of grief, the sudden loss of a young family member brought unsettled darkness. We sat there together night after night, grief wrenched her body and I held her wails in my cradling arms until they softened but the rawness was still there. The rawness became passion, laced with tenderness and we were fucking. Hard. I remember thinking then that it had been devouring, like a need to suck and take all of the life there was in the room so it existed. Life was still there.

And then to now. And indented with this most recent experience. 

In one moment I was softly gasping, in the next I was softly sobbing. One lead to the other, and then they were both merged, like a pool of tears and arousal slopping around in my gut. Every part of me felt so fully and viscerally connected to him, I had clammy cheeks and it all stayed with me throughout the day. It needed a leather belt to thrash in to it.

I'm not grieving, but sometimes there is just a sadness there. A beautiful life-connecting sadness. If you feel something so intensely then maybe it's only natural that a contrasting emotion would then appear; joy tipped in to sadness, or sadness and joy always there together teetering on the edge.

There is not really a purpose to this post, it is just that the feeling won't leave me, so I wanted to try and understand it.

Snow.

Today when I woke and drew back my curtains the back garden was there in full white glory. It is rare to have snow in London and the sight and feel and smell and sound of it still captivate me.



It was definitely beckoning those first few footsteps. I knew that I wanted to tread each one with care and attention. Not to rush out and trample over it, but to be mindful of each step. A white wash of possibility.

It was quite breathtaking stepping outside. I felt the chill on my legs as I was still only in my fine Pajamas, but it was a tingling and prickling chill that felt alive-making.



The garden here is magical at the best of times, but in the snow that magic makes it truly enchanting. I visited my favourite places.

Right at the back of the garden, hidden against the wall, down a narrow pathway, is a Goddess, or that is what I call her. She looked majestic in the snow.



I made a wish at her feet and then turned back to just stand and take in the awe-inspiring virgin whiteness. Untouched, a clean slate, a cleansing, and one that as the snow still fell, felt both soft and unrelenting. It wasn't a glistening snow, it was, it is, a heavy, deep, all-covering, thick snow. There is something very comforting about that.

There is of course nothing comforting about sitting on these chairs just now! ( unless you needed to cool down a toasty and smarting pink bottom ).



It was the stillness that struck me the most. Like everything was being packed in by the snow so it had to stay still. Not trapped. But held. Asking us to contemplate. And I think we will be here for a while, the sky had traces of blue this morning, just faint ones.



But it is a light grey again now, almost a reflection of the ground, and the snow keeps falling. I think I'm going to be staying still in my attic for a little while. There is only one thing right now that I wish the snow would allow for....but the warmth of a sore bottom is unlikely to come until there is warmth to melt the snow away, and actually I'll be sad to see it go.


                                          That is a view of the attic from the back of the garden. 

Sweets. And a little post before a more thought out one.

Yesterday afternoon I had a tea party for 10 of my closest friends. It was my christmas present to them all and I had organised for us to do a range of different activities that I hoped would be fun and inspiring...

Needless to say I also wanted to decorate the attic and seeing as it is coming up to Valentine's, I found heart shaped balloons and heart shaped confetti, and heart shaped biscuits...and lots of love heart candy that I scattered about the place...there was definitely a lot of love and warmth in the room and that wasn't just from the roaring open fire!

Anyway, when I was shopping about on Friday for some little gifts ( I wanted to make up party bags for them like the ones we used to get when we were younger ), I came across the shop Hope and Greenwood. Apparently it isn't a new shop, but it was new to me, and full of the most lovely old fashioned confectionary and gifts.

One particular gift caught my eye, " For A Good Boy " , full of chocolate stars, and I was most disappointed to find out from the Bettie page look-a-like sales assistant that the " For A Good Girl " boxes had all sold out. It is quite amazing how much those words pinken my cheeks and make me smile inside, and I also couldn't quite believe that there were really so many good girls out there that all of their stock had gone! Then I thought of Constance and Mr.C. and their use of gold stars ( which was similar to the gold stars that used to be on my discipline reports last year ) and wondered if perhaps Constance had been SUCH a good girl recently that Mr. C had needed to buy them all.

It was a shame not to be able to buy them for all of my friends but I was happy to learn they would soon be restocked.

Happy News & something else.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who contributed to my thesis. My course leader contacted me at the weekend to let me know I'd passed and that the study would be being published as well as hopefully receiving some funding to take it further. I didn't want to presume anyone was interested enough to make an announcement as such, but I also didn't want to not acknowledge all of your help and insights.

So, that was a happy moment. And the beginning of more happy moments I hope.

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I have to say though that Paul was a core participant in my study and I'm not sure what our telephone interview and the analysis of his data ( which I now know of course is full of untruths ) means for the validity of the results!  

In terms of commenting on that situation I've just stayed quiet. Not because I don't have some pretty strong opinions about it, but because firstly, I don't know all of the facts and secondly because I've been in a situation where I have not been honest with someone, misleading even, and whether the intention was to hurt or not, I did hurt them, so I feel that I am in no place to judge.

All I do want to say is that what I write here is not fiction. Unless I call it a vignette or story of course!

And what I have learnt over the past few years in cyber-land ( blogging and chat rooms ) is that it is very important to me to know that people are real and who they say they are. I can still value simple fantasy exchanges, experience the real time emotions/ arousal, enjoy the imagining etc, but for me to invest time and energy in to any thing that is virtual then truth and realness is central to that.

My way around this is to make things as real as possible. My favourite bloggers in this community all know my real name and have access to my real life professional website etc, in the past few months I've met at least 6 people from this community ( JFlame being one of them and I am so sorry that she is hurting ) and there are a few of those that are now real friends in real life with whom I meet regularly. I know it is not possible for everyone to be revealing of their real identities, or may be possible but is simply not their choice, both of which I understand and respect, I suppose I just wanted to share with people here my positive experiences of this community, which is full of real lovely people.

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I've been quite quiet recently.

Riding the horse I guess ( in relation to my last post ) and in regards that aspect of my life I'd say the horse and its mount are both on track!

There are other things though that are just not aligned.

I have to write this as some abstract thought bubble as it is the only way I can free the words starkly on to the page...

"Loving a man, deeply caring about a man, sharing the most intimate things with that man, discovering new things together, learning and growing and understanding through friendship and love with that man, smiling and playing and exploring with that man, being brought alive, being touched, being held, feeling vulnerable and tender with that man. Blossoming, flourishing, feeling vital with that man. And also just a simple love. A very simple almost elemental love. 

Not listening fully to those voices in my head that try and press against the fluttering in my heart, not wanting to face fully the reality or the pain of that, knowing that something that is full of so much honesty is also borne and still exists within so much dishonesty. Swallowing that unwanted taste. Feeling frustrated, feeling a failure that I still sometimes have the word " not enough" in my vocabulary. Knowing that the word " enough" is not what I really mean, but knowing that there is something that is not fully being brought to the surface in me that needs to be. And knowing more and more that it is a need. Feeling full of disappointment in myself that I can't just be grateful , just feel blessed to have what is there, which is so full of so many joyful and powerful and deeply touching things."

Letting go. Not letting go.

Acknowledging that need and being able to just be with it rather than see it as something that is missing or lacking.

Keep twirling with the good things, spinning and buzzing and being carried away. Being still, being held by that simple exchange in our eyes, being softened and calmed by those words, being enveloped in those arms full of love. Holding him in my arms.

Or letting go, and watching the colour drain from my life.

Northern Lad. By Tori Amos.

Mesh of Life.

Life has been moving forward and I feel like I'm in that place right now where the post I wrote on New Years Day is a million miles in to the past.
Its not that I've not thought about it, or read with gratitude and consideration all of the comments that were left for me. I have. I've read, talked, thought, walked, as well as trying to get on with my 2009 as I mean to go on, so I've had to find a way to feel with both the older and newer thoughts together.

Thank you to, Fabsterrant, Olivia ( Livvy ), Andrades, The Voyeur Flaneur, Pandora, The Headmaster, Eliane,, Spanked Italian Gal, , Boxa57 ( Who I can't link to ), Gillette, , Ronnie, , Constance and Mr. C, and Maryann Sloan.

All of your comments helped in some way and those that spoke of control and projection hooked me back in to facing things that I'd perhaps tried to gloss over in the past. Livvy's comment of " I sometimes wonder if by trying so hard to make them not matter, we actually make them matter more" really made me smile.

I think what I've been better able to do these last few weeks is accept.

Accept that I cannot stop myself feeling things.
Accept that my feelings and emotions in regards this are important for me to feel because they are a part of me learning and growing and understanding how to do things differently.
Accept that there is no need to rush or block these feelings because I am resilient enough to be okay through whatever they bring up. And even if I wanted to rush things, I can't, I can't control them, or I shouldn't try to.
Accept that my expectations of people have sometimes come from places that are hopeful, but often imaginary and unrealistic and that has been unfair to both them and myself.

All of these things have been feeling easier to accept because I feel I've truly been able to let go of what I ever thought our relationship/ friendship was in the first place. I could write here that the pedestal was built on untruths, projections, misconceptions etc, and possibly it was, but that is the part that doesn't feel so important anymore, needing to define it in order to be able to understand it has never worked, so that is gone.

All of the things in my life over the past 2 weeks have fed in to this - finishing my thesis, giving up smoking ( I didn't smoke very much but I've not had a cigarette since the 20th December ), being excited by the year ahead, being clearer about what it is that I do and don't want to take forward with me in to this next year of my life journey. I suppose I feel in control, and not in a clutching at the reins, grasping on to the mane, trying to stay in the saddle through any way possible kind of control. ( sorry I have just dipped in to a horse riding imagining there! )

It reminds me of when I was in South Africa about 3 years ago and I went on a beautiful ride in the mountains on an Arab. Although I used to be a well practiced rider I'd never ridden the arab way before, whereby you actually have little grip on the horses mouth, your hands are soft and you place your trust in them entirely. As we embarked on some very steep descents where my natural inclination was to tighten the reigns and try and guide the horse where I thought it looked safe, I learnt to just know and trust that his instincts would get us down the mountain. To sit back in the saddle, to still stay alert and aware but to just accept. At the moment I feel that same calmness, that same sense of things will naturally, instinctively, take care of themselves.

The horse may stumble, or buck or unexpectedly bolt or it may just amble along but whatever it does I know that I'll be able to pick myself up off the ground if I fall, or I'll be able to sit rooted in the saddle and may even enjoy the ride.

As long as my bottom is not too sore of course!

Thank you again for all of your comments.

The First Day Of A Brand Spanking New Year.

Another break from my work to do what I am not meant to be doing right now, which is to think too much in any depth about anything other than what needs to be completed.

But it is there, this thought, this feeling, this nagging, this weight, this perplexing, unfathomable, confusing energy that just will not leave me.

This isn't a spanking post, but some of you here in this community are amongst the wisest, most thoughtful and thought provoking people I know ( I can see that just from the richness of all the data you gave me in my survey, and thank you again so much for that )...so I hope in posting this here I might gain some insight or advice.

Mostly I work through things, emotional blockages, difficulties, hurts, pain, bad choices I made, guilt etc... it of course takes varying amounts of time but as I enter in to 2009 I'd say that there is so much of my life that feels okay now, more than okay, exciting, vibrant, full of possibility and inspiration. I mean it will of course always be evolving and complex and still at times difficult but I trust myself to be able to embrace all of those things and be with them.

There is just this one thing though. Not a thing, a person. A person who is in my life and I don't know how to manage it. I've tried for a long time now to seek answers in knowing how to aide it feeling differently from how it does, but it * still* feels unresolved within me. This is someone who was once very important to me, I can't really articulate what my feelings were for her because over time I've come to mistrust what my feelings were, what hers were, what the whole nature of everything to do with our relationship was. For some reason I feel I need to just clarify here that it was not a sexual relationship. There was love but I don't know what it was, I truly truly don't. It is the single most baffling thing in my whole life. There was also a lot of pain, I betrayed her. I also didn't trust her but that * may* have been because I misread her actions ( because words don't count in this at all, she was always very seductive with her words) .... but most of all it is something that I've lost all trust in my own judgement over. 

All I do know is that I think I probably had her up on some kind of pedestal, I still do think she is a pretty amazing woman in spite of what has happened between us so it is hard to take her off that pedestal, but I needed to, otherwise I would always be in her shadow. I think I probably have taken her off that pedestal now...I think much of last year was spent doing that but even though she is no longer held up high she is still here...

The one question I asked myself at the beginning of yesterday evenings rituals was " How can I move forward in to 2009 with a neutral feeling about her? "...maybe I am asking the impossible of myself...I'm not sure we can neutralise feelings really...just that over time they become less and less...but this has been over 2 years now, and the most difficult thing is that we * are * in one another's lives. If we were never to see one another again then I can imagine time would just heal it. But we see one another professionally and this is likely to increase I suspect in the year ahead.....and we are also connected through our intimacy with another. Last night I lit 7 candles and did short visualisation with each one. One was lit in the hope of finding resolve in this situation. I visualised cutting a cord from my heart to her and trying to build a different one...one that was still full of love and compassion, as you would wish for any human being , but one that had been grown from a less complicated place, with a less complicated feeling running through it. I wept afterwards because I could kind of feel it hadn't shifted things, I could still feel so much pain and today it is just still there....that feeling....that disquiet, humming of the unresolved.

How do you make someone not matter anymore? Even though you still have high regard for them both professionally and personally. ( and I don't mean that in an unkind way - every human being matters, but you know what I mean ) How do you walk in to a room and have neutral feelings, as if she were just another person in that room? How do you stop comparing and reacting? How do you keep someone at an emotional distance even when they may be physically there? How do you keep trying to heal the wound when each interaction with that person has the potential to crack it right back open? How do you let go of something when you still feel that there is misunderstanding and untruths? And yet you don't even really know if that is true anymore.

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a heavy post. I've posted a fun picture to try and lighten things up a little, but actually I am at a bit of a loss about this.

A New Year. And Looking At A Special Star.

This will be the first time in 5 years that I have not spent New Year's Eve by water.

Water is very significant to me. I was a water baby, swimming effortlessly from a very young age, almost as if I was more natural in water than on the earth. Water draws me in, and maybe especially at this time of year I look to it because of the ebb and flow of the waves or the sense of movement in a river. It embodies renewal for me and the hopefulness of re-creation. And there is also a certain stillness to water that encourages time for reflection too.

It has also played a part in my New Year's ritual which has involved writing and sending things out to sea, or down stream. Physically releasing any heaviness from the past year as words on to paper and then setting them loose. Last year I wasn't by the sea, but travelled to a quiet spot by an estuary of the Thames with a friend. Standing by the edge we let our pieces of paper fall out of our hands hoping to watch the water take them away from us. Funnily, mine got stuck on a muddy bank. 

We both turned to one another and smiled. Part amusement, part frustration, part just at the sweet irony. I think she knew, without any need for the spoken word, what my envelope contained, what I was hoping to be able to let go of.  There wasn't even any question of us going down to the bank and trying to help it on its way, I think we both accepted the symbolism of it.

Those things that got stuck in the mud at this time last year, that I was finding too much to bear, or felt saddened by or overwhelmingly inadequate in the face of, have evolved in the last twelve months to bring joy and richness in to my life. I'm glad that I got stuck with them, was forced to face them and work through them, they are what bring me most to life now. And are a source of great strength.

So, I don't have any water to release anything in to this evening, but this year that feels okay. I can feel that my body is able to contain all that it needs to bear, and knows what to do with it now. Maybe being in the countryside as I am, amongst trees, is where I should be, firmly rooted in the earth, connected and strong. 

I did manage to do the other part of my New Year ritual though, walking 2 miles to the nearest village today, to the old fashioned red post box and posting a letter to myself with all my intentions and hopes written down for the year ahead. I'll be opening the one that I posted to myself last year a little later on, with my half bottle of champagne, in the warmth of an open fire and curiously seeing which wishes came to life.

Good wishes to you all for 2009.

I hope it brings you all that you wish for.

A song that is very special to me, by the Tindersticks. 

Simple & Momentary Distraction.

I was having a bit of difficulty being self-disciplined towards the end of last week, and feel a little ashamed to admit that. Intense thinking, reading and writing, in solitude, feels like a luxury but also slightly outside the usual composition of my days.  I've found it hard to focus my concentration and not get distracted by ..oohh... a million and one other things!

And I know one thing that would really focus my attention back to where it should be.....

But for now, I am back on track. I've some new clever little Disciplinary rituals to entwine in to my days, and I'm also taking some regular breaks. During these breaks I might go outside, or call a friend, or chat on line, or do some blogging, or have a little browse through online shopping sites... yesterday I got caught up on this one after a friend pointed me in its direction..

http://www.glamorousamorous.com

And I got very excited when I came across the most suitably spankingly beautiful pieces of underwear that I've seen in a long while...and off went my imagination in to the world of birching and caning.....and a few really sharp smacks with Sir's worn tan leather strap....

I thought you might appreciate them too. Of course if the bottom cheeks were nicely reddened they'd be all the more gorgeous. 

Twitter.

Where I am currently staying ( which does feel like solitary confinement in some ways ) there are several bird tables in the back garden...which backs on to open fields. I've been given instructions on bird feeding and I have to say that it feels as though they are keeping me company at the moment, which is rather nice.

This morning I was suddenly struck by a flash of pink on the table. My eyes seem to be quite finely tuned to shades of pink and red in recent years and I was captivated by it enough to go and get the binoculars. 

It wasn't a chaffinch...I'm familiar with their shades of pink....and this was a different shade altogether....more vibrant.

After some researching I think it was Scarlet Rosefinch ( what a lovely name!! ) and even though they are very distinctive  I'm still uncertain because it seems an unlikely time of year and they are not all that common...

Then I started imagining...I wondered what the mythology was behind this particular bird... and felt that maybe, just maybe, it was the bird that finds it way to you when a smacked bottom is due.

Clever bird.

I am probably procrastinating just a little from my work...posting about beautiful birds on this particular blog ;-)

A little tribute.

My friends and I have been singing along to some Eartha Kitt songs today ...

and I do have a few favourites...

This being one :





I'd definitely ask for an Old Fashioned Disciplinarian instead of a Millionaire though :-)
And switch the desire for oil and counting money into lots of love and smacked bottoms instead!


P.s.
If anyone can help me learn to embed film clips in here, rather than just posting a link, I'd be very grateful.

Thank you to those who helped me fix this :-)

Christmas Eve. Part Two.

Part 1 is the post below!

I was a mixture of limp resolve and dizzy excitement as he helped me off his lap and stood me back between his legs.

" Catherine my love, I hope you have a good view of Olivia's sore bottom? " he tilted his head to the side to catch her eye, and I watched him smile at her, pleasingly.

" Olivia darling, push your bottom out, that's it, right out, so that Catherine can see it properly. " he steadied me as I whimpered, my deep pink cheeks exposed, on view.

He watched my flushed face, and listened to the little gasps I made in vein, trying to stay composed. Reaching down with his hands he pulled the gauzy fabric of the pants back up to cover me at the front, pulling it slightly taut against my mound, and gazing at the wetness, directing my eyes to it too, as it spread, openly telling the story of my arousal and desire.

" And Olivia has made her pants very wet, haven't you sweetheart, mm ? "

I didn't answer, instead I lowered on to my knees , his hands pushing down on my shoulders until I was settled obediently at his feet. Standing up, he smiled over at Catherine, still sitting there poised on the bed. Her eyes hadn't left my bottom and I could hear a change in her breath.

His voice changed tone as he spoke to her this time.

" Catherine, remove your knickers and your stockings please, and do it slowly, I'd like to watch you. "

As he spoke those words he unbuttoned his trousers and took out his thick, hard cock, placing it inside my mouth, which I'd already opened willingly. He didn't thrust or move inside me, instead he just held it there, enjoying the warmth and moisture of my mouth as I licked him and devoured him with a slow gentleness. He hardened in me, and I could hear Catherine behind unzipping her skirt, and then what faintly sounded like a stocking being slowly rolled down a shapely leg.

All the while I could feel her eyes on my red, sore bottom, broken with glances to look at him. His eyes wandered all over her as she undressed to complete nakedness from the waist down.

" Mmm Olivia darling, you are taking very good care of my cock, making it perfectly hard and wet in preparation for me to fuck my beautiful wife. "

" And I can see Catherine my love, that you *did* enjoy watching Olivia getting a smacked bottom."

Pulling out of my mouth, still feeling hungry with obedience, he turned me towards Catherine, her legs slightly parted before me, her thighs glistening with her arousal.

He sat back down in the chair behind me, his hand held squeezing the base of his shaft.

" Now darling Olivia, you can prepare Catherine for my cock and show her what an obedient girl you can be, whilst I sit here and enjoy the view of your reddened bottom and watch my lovely wife be pleasured by you. "

I looked up at Catherine, blushing as I knelt forward, placing a hand gently on each inner thigh to hold them apart. She tenderly brushed away the hair from my face as I lowered down to her. I carefully, neatly, obediently took my tongue to her, trailing it across her wetness, using the very tip to explore her with reverence. And then as her moans became filled with more wanting, I plunged further in to her. I could hear him rubbing himself behind me until sticky faced, he lifted me away from her.

Placing me to stand by the side of the bed, he turned me so my back was to them, kissing me deeply, and hard, so he could taste Catherine on me.

" Good girl, you've been a very obedient girl, see how hard I am, and how ready for me Catherine is, and I want you to stand just here so that I can see your sore bottom whilst I make love to my wife. "

He kissed me once more on my forehead and I felt the tip of his hard cock press against my tummy as he lent down.

I tried to stand still, offering my bottom for his viewing, squirming with the dancing images in my mind, images that matched the sounds I was hearing and the smells I was smelling.
They were whispering to one another, whispers full of love and urgency, and her broken whimpering became a long intoxicated moan as he penetrated her, rising over her on the bed.

Listening to them fuck, the longing between my thighs was burning me, but I knew it would be disobedient for me to touch myself there. I felt the wetness oozing through the gauzy knickers that were still sticky against my front.

I heard them rise and fall, and their bodies rub against one other, I smelt the salty and musky perfume of damp climax and the sounds of each of them giving all to the other.

When he gave me permission to turn around, they were laying together, stretched out on the bed, his cock limp now, her thighs still shining, both of their faces unbound from the tautness or orgasm.

He called me over to them, giving me his hand to help lift me onto the bed and kneel between their legs.

" Did you enjoy listening to us fucking darling? "

They both smiled at me and then moved their eyes to the dampness spread out across my pants and thighs.
Blushing, I nodded, and obediently moved my hand where he was guiding it.

" Now show Catherine how you like to masturbate and I want you to come for us both darling. "

I shyly moved my hand across my knickers, rubbing myself across the slippery surface. He encouraged me to look at them both as I did so, my bare bottom still hot and sore and naked as I knelt up, and my breasts bare and facing them. It didn't take me long to shudder and tremble in to both of their arms.

Christmas Eve.

Inspired by Bonnie's question in this weeks Sunday brunch...


I stood to the right of the fire, almost in leaning distance of the mantle piece, but I had my hands held on my head and was standing as neatly as I could. The carriage clock was in view and I could see that they'd be arriving any minute.

My hair was tied in a neat french plait and my pale face was free from make-up, just a little rouge on my lips and a natural blush on my cheeks. " I want you neat and naked " were his words, " except for these " ...and I had on the white pants he'd left for me. They were thin and gauzy, covering my bottom, but with a slight bagginess and sheerness that marked its vulnerability.

I was excited by all the vulnerability I felt. Thoughts were dancing like the open flames that kept me warm. I was part conscious of my nakedness, part only aware of the dry anticipation in my throat, and part just on fire myself. Seeing him always brought me to life.

The door clicked open and I neatly stood waiting.

" Olivia darling, I'm glad that you found the place okay, and good girl for getting such an impressive fire roaring. "

I wanted to turn around, to be able to see him and to see her too. I tried to stay still but it was hard as he drew their attention onto me in a way that he knew would make me squirm.

" I'm glad to see you are stood neatly Olivia, and with your self on show, especially that bottom, properly presented in those knickers as I asked. "

I heard them kiss and he whispered to her " doesn't she have a lovely bottom darling."

Drawing in my breath almost caused me to miss her soft words. Her voice sounded different, a little deeper, licked with a tone of arousal. " She does, and thank you for bringing her here for us. "
They kissed again and moved more into the room, closing the door.

She and I had met only a few times, for coffee. He had been my Guardian for a few years. This Christmas he'd wanted to bring us together. Her curiosity had grown into a new desire and my desire was always to please, and that had grown from him to all that was in his life.

" Catherine, my love, come and sit here on the bed. "

They walked behind me, I imagined him guiding her there, stood behind her with his hands held at her waist and sitting her down on the bed. And then he was up behind me. I could feel him right there, not touching me but just gazing at me. His hand swept my plait to one side and he leaned in and kissed the back of my neck. He moved back away from me as he spoke.

" Olivia, my darling ward, you may turn around."

It was nice to feel the heat from the fire shift to the opposite side of my body, distracting for a moment, before I tried to settle my eyes on the room. I had to look at him first to steady myself. He held me with his eyes, captured me and kept me there, my feet neatly on the ground. His eyes then looked at all my nakedness, as I looked at her I saw her eyes were all over me too.

My blushing deepened and he smiled noticing it.

He sat a little away from her in the chair that had been at the dressing table. She was still sat on the edge of the bed looking like an elegant raven, her dark hair pinned up and her delicate and defined bones illuminating her poise.

" Come and stand here Olivia. "

He pulled me in towards him, between his legs, his hands cupped on my bottom cheeks, and before he did anything else he took each of my hardened nipples in to his mouth in turn, just for a few moments, leaving each of them glistening.
I wondered if she was watching how his hands were starting to knead my bottom cheeks a little more firmly.

" Catherine is going to watch me giving you a smacked bottom sweetheart, she is going to see how having your bottom properly punished is something that you both need and deserve, and she and I are going to get great enjoyment from it. "

He smiled over at Catherine as I felt a tiny trickle of excitement start to pool between my legs.

Guiding me over his knee I already felt completely obedient to his will, to both of them. I held myself neatly across his lap, raising my bottom up to him as he pulled the pretty gauzy fabric taut across my cheeks. I could feel her eyes wandering over me, a flush on my skin seemed to trail in their wake.

He rubbed my bottom slowly, warming me, ripening me to take the flurry of firm hand smacks that followed. He held me tightly at the waist covering each cheek with the scorching blanket of his palm.

" Are you seeing how her bottom quivers under my hand Catherine? "

I could barely hear how Catherine responded, lost in the sting, swallowed by my submission. It was fiery now, my bottom. The redness running out across my cheeks to beyond the edges of the knickers. He paused only to neaten the knickers back in place over my cheeks and then continued, harder and more deliberately, each smack penetrating me.

" Shall we see how pinkened her bottom has become Catherine? "

He signaled for me to lift my hips and he pulled down the pants so they neatly sat below my bottom, I could feel them straining a little across the tops of my thighs so I moved my legs a little more neatly together.

My bottom felt swollen , plumped up, proud and presented to them, naked across his knee. I kept my eyes closed, feeling their wandering eyes all over me again. His hands smoothed over the heat.

" Catherine my love, are you seeing now how Olivia likes to have her bottom treated and what an obedient girl she is? "

Catherine whispered back to him with that same arousal in her voice, and I squirmed as my thoughts held both of their arousal within my own.

He didn't stop until I could feel nothing but the burn in my cheeks, the wetness splashed out between my legs, and the taste of wanting to please in my mouth.


Part two will follow shortly.... I got tired!!

Your Help.

Hello !

On January 7th I am due to hand in my thesis, and will finally become a Mistress of Science ( an MSc qualification in Psychology that I have been studying part time for the last 2 years ), unleashed into the real world to hopefully start applying some of my academic study into useful and meaningful constructs for everyone!

I have been doing a very in-depth qualitative study about sexual expression with a relatively small number of participants, using Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis as my means of reading the data, however to add a different depth and perspective to my study I thought I may add another survey to widen my sample of participants.  I haven't run this through the ethics committee ( oops ! ;-) ) or asked my tutor about this, but I did think it might be enlightening, revealing, helpful, IMPORTANT even...to ask all of you to participate should you have the time.

I've set up a 10 question online survey that will take no more than 15 minutes, and all data is anonymous. It is a bit basic and very condensed from my full blown questions as I don't have a Survey Monkey account and had to narrow them down to 10, so apologies if they are a bit wordy and crammed!!

If you are at all curious about my study, or if you'd like to participate, then please just click on the link below and I will be very very  grateful!

Many thanks,

Olivia
X

One person out of those that have been kind enough to do the survey expressed concern about the ethics issue. Since posting this I have had a meeting with my tutor and because the questions are a part of my wider research they are validated by my original application to the ethics committee.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=EBijsUYJtsiw7rhIE6c_2fLg_3d_3d

My First Meme.

One of my favourite bloggers, Shannee, had this meme on her blog. I've never done one before, but tonight, despite being put to bed, I still cannot sleep.... so I thought I'd give it a try.

Layer 1 : Tell us your...

* Name: Olivia Manners, obviously not my real name but I hope I do have manners ;-)

* Birthday: July 15th

* Current location: London, UK

* Eye colour: Green...really really green!

* Hair colour: A dark warm brown.  It was blonde until I was 4, and from 12 to 28 it has been various shades of black, red, blonde and brown. It has been its natural colour for over 3 years now.

* Height: 5'4"

* Righty or lefty : Right handed, but I can spank with both :-)

* Zodiac sign: Cancer, and I think I am quite a typical Cancerian in many ways. 

Layer 2 : What's.....

* Your heritage: Irish and English, although I often get called an English Rose or am told I look Spanish or Italian...slight contradiction and may be to do with how much sun I have had :-)

* The shoes you wore today: Some black lace up ankle boots with a pair of vintage canvas spats.

* Your weakness: Cheese, MSN chatting, old men,  new adventures, my libido

* Your fears: Not being loved. Not living in the truth.  I don't really fear anything else.

* Your perfect pizza: Thin, crispy base, blue cheese, toasted walnuts and baked pear.

* Goals you'd like to achieve: To find a more wide-spread, meaningful and impactful way to support others in the discovery, understanding, acceptance and expression of their sexuality. To help support and design better and more effective ways for people to communicate in relationships throughout their lifetime, and as their relationships shift. To be a part of something ( maybe a social movement )that works towards shifting mindsets and values away from such a materialistic focussed world, to something more meaningful, accepting of complexity and contradiction and with equality and compassion. To love myself more. To regain greater trust in myself. To always strive to feel alive!

* Your first waking thoughts: The man who gives me love and a smacked bottom.

* Your best physical feature: My eyes, and I have very tiny nostrils which are quite funny.

* Your most missed memory: People that I love who are no longer in my life any more,or the relationship has changed, although I still have them in my memory, so that is sometimes enough.

Layer 3: Do you...

* Smoke: I do, socially, and I've been paying attention to this more recently as I receive a stroke of the cane for each one I have! I'm one of those annoying people who can not smoke for 2 weeks but then may have a few of an evening. But I do know that this is even more of a reason to not do it at all.

* Cuss: No, I rarely swear at all.

* Sing: Only when I am alone, most of all I love to sing in my car, driving at full speed along the motorway. I am a terrible singer and when I was at school nobody would stand next to me in assembly because my voice was so bad it made them laugh at hymn time. I have quite a deep voice.

* Do you think you've been in love: I do yes.

* Did you go to college: Yes, when I was 18 I went to Uni, and then I went back again to do a Masters when I was 30.

* Liked high school: No, it wasn't a very happy time for me, although there are some aspects ofd it that I remember fondly.

* Want to get/ stay married: I've never wanted to get married.

* Believe in yourself: About some things, yes. When I shut out the voices of the same one or two people in my life who've lead me to doubt myself, then I often believe in myself.

* Think you're attractive: Sometimes. When I am at my most alive I am most attractive, my eyes sparkle extra green and everything just lights up and glows.

* Think you're a health freak: I do not look after myself health wise anywhere near enough.

* Get along with your parents: I love them for who they are, and they love me for who I am, and we connect on some levels but not on others. I am very lucky to have such a supportive Mum. My Dad loved me in his way.

* Like thunderstorms: LOVE them, especially when I am in bed.

* Play an instrument: I used to play the violin, piano and recorder when I was at school. I've just started to learn the cello. But I must say that music is not something I have a natural talent for.

Layer 4: In the past month have you...

* Drank alcohol: Yes! Although I don't drink very much. I like nice, heavy red wines, sometimes a Gin & Tonic, and then the odd pint of cider. 

* Smoked: Yes.

* Done a drug: No.

* Made out: I have yes, and very nice it was too ;-)

* Gone on a date: I have yes, once with a nice young man and once with an Irish lass.

* Gone to the mall: No, I don't like shopping centers, I am a market girl and vintage boutique shopper!

* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: I think this must be an American meme. I have not, but I have eaten a whole box of Dairylea triangles all in one go.

* Eaten sushi: Yes, vegetarian sushi.

* Been on stage: Not on stage but on a film set.

* Been dumped: No, not yet. Hopefully I won't be either :-)

* Gone skating: Yes, ice skating at Tower Bridge with the Irish lass.

* Gone skinny dipping: It is a little cold for that at this time of year.

* Stolen anything: Not without asking first.

Layer 5: Have you ever...

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: I have yes, every day when I am having to change into specified knickers feels a bit like that :-)

* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Um...yes!

* Been caught " doing something": I am not sure what this means, sexually , no never, but I have been caught doing things I shouldn't have.

* Been called a tease: No. In fact at school I used to get teased for being such a rubbish tease ( or flirt as we say in England! )

* Gotten beaten up: I was slapped in the face once.

* Shoplifted: I did when I was younger on a day visit to a Butlin's holiday camp in Wales. We all got caught and I still feel guilty about it to this day!

Layer 6 :

* Age you did get/ hoped to be married: I haven't and I don't intend to...although if I were to get married I'd quite like a Celtic Pagan wedding in a forest clearing with lots of twinkling fairy lights and horses and fawns grazing, and beautifully dark and haunting music ...delivered in the moonlight.

* Numbers and names of children ( either you have or want ): I don't have children and I'm not sure that I want children either. I like being a Sister, friend, Auntie and Mentor to lots of people and giving/ sharing my love in that way.

* Describe your dream mate: Funny and playful, kind, curious, tall, dark hair, green or blue eyes, inquisitive, beguiling, an effortless intimacy that fits with mine, generous, wise, open heart and mind, adventurous, rooted into the ground and able to soar up high too. If it was to be a woman then I do like long hair. But something tells me that my dream mate would almost be indescribable and that is what would make them my dream mate.

* How do you want to die: In a way that leaves peace for those that are still here. And that keeps intact all that I have learnt in this life to go forward in to the next.

* What do you want to be when you grow up: A whole person with love flowing out and love being received in.

* What country would you most like to visit: Argentina, for the horseback riding across vast plains and over mountains, the tango, and the Malbec.

Layer 7: Now tell.....

* Name a drug that you have taken illegally: pretty much all of them when I was younger, except heroine.

* Name a person you could trust with my life: My other Dad, to name just one.

* Name a favourite CD that you own: A set of 4 CD's that were given out to each guest at my friends wedding last year...each guest had to dedicate a song to the couple, and they put them all on disc for us. I love both the variation of music on them from across the generations as well as the different memories that are attached to the songs as they were played throughout the day.

* Number of piercings: Ears but I rarely wear earrings, in fact I don't wear any jewelry except for a bracelet from the Second World War, called a sweetheart bracelet, that has special significance to me.

* Number of tattoos: None.

* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Three times I think, all when I was younger - once for winning a county tennis trophy, once for winning a swimming competition, and once when I was 16 for starting a fashion show event for my art GCSE.

* Name a past experience you regret: Not trusting people's affection for me more. But really, as much as it is a cliche, I don't hold on to regret.

Thanks for reading, if you did ;-)

Love Our Lurkers Day.

Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts is today hosting the third Love Our Lurkers Day and has asked us to encourage anyone that lurks around here to delurk and say hello!

Last year 83 spanking - orientated blogs posted Love Our Lurkers messages and they received 1444 comments, but it is not the quantity of comments that is important, it is the meeting of new friends, readers, and like-minded spirits.

This year I am one of 135 bloggers that have been asked to participate and my hope is that in doing so some or even just one of my readers will peek out, so.... introduce yourself, ask a question, share a story, or just say a simple hello... whatever you feel inspired to do.

I can understand your lurking, I lurked for a long time before I started this blog and it feels kind of safe being there I think, but I'd love to get to know my readers a little more, and I'd love for them to experience being a part of this community more.  I wouldn't flatter myself that I even have any readers or lurkers except my profile on blogger has been viewed nearly 4000 times since April.

So who are you?

You intrigue me!

I'm interested in you!

Delurk and come out and play ;-)

Happy Buzzy Wiggly Energy.

I spent the whole weekend at home this weekend, finishing unpacking even though I moved over 2 months ago. I have a lot of clothes! And .. um....knickers ;-)

As I was going about my tidying and sorting and general organising of my life ( and YES, I did iron my knickers as requested ), a smile would often break out across my face and a wonderful surge of energy would swell through my body . I'd found this happening to me all week, knew that the source of it was coming through the lovely left-over sensations and memories of smacked bottom times, and was enjoying noticing what that energy was encouraging me to go and do.

That energy that is all at once naughty, wriggly, calming, content feeling, cosy, energising, full of love, and contagiously smile-making, left me wondering how I could capture it, and put it into pretty little glass bottles, and send it as gifts to my friends.