That was the question posed to me at dinner this evening.
I know that they all wish for me to be happy, I know that they all wish for the best for me, and I know that they all mostly wish I'd make some different choices.
But what if I don't know what I want in 5 years time? What if I am okay with not knowing too? What if another way of seeing things is the day by day, the moment by moment?
Sometimes I think that if I wanted those things that I am " supposed" to want, then it may be clearer to me what I should do. I'm at the beginning of my 30's and friends around have been marrying and conceiving and parenting. I've never really felt that maternal. I love being a mentor, a good/god mother, an Auntie, just that crazy girl that we visit sometimes will do. I have a lot of love to give but feeling a desire to bear my own children hasn't ever been there, maybe, of course maybe, it will come. It may be that I've not met the " right " person, whatever that means, and I certainly never say never.....
Marriage, did I dream of this when I was a little girl, walking down the aisle in a pretty dress with a pretty bouquet of flowers? No. I think the only part of a wedding day that ever touched my heart was imagining how my Dad might feel if he were able to walk down the aisle with me, but that will never happen.... And really in all my adult life I've never imagined that I will get married. Maybe it isn't even a question of marriage as I've not often even pictured myself growing old with just one special someone, not that I picture being alone either, I think I picture a place of solitude and community all merged in to one. And lots of times, celebrations, occasions where love and friendship and kindness are the theme.
"But don't you get lonely?"
They look at me as if something is missing and base their questions and care for me from that premise, and because they are seeing my world through that tint of colour, that sense of less-than, it is maybe harder for them to see and understand why it is that I am choosing to be where I am.
It is not filling a gap. I feel I'm not seeking anything because I'm not looking for this, or for that. So you see, all that I share in our intimacy is an add-on. It adds to my experience of life, it is not about meeting a need, but about flourishing. It has no limits and it colours my life with more beautiful shades and depths.
Discipline is an intoxicating blend of elation, sexual energy, fulfillment and most of all, connectedness. It can transport my mind to a different space. My very favourite space to visit - sometimes warm and pink and fun and playful, sometimes beautifully dark and raw and honest and tender, sometimes formal and ritualistic and comforting, and always always real & loving. Something that I crave and need, and I am very happy to know about myself.
"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. "