Saturday, 14 February 2009

Back home and teetering on tipsiness.

"What do you want in 5 years time?"

That was the question posed to me at dinner this evening.

I know that they all wish for me to be happy, I know that they all wish for the best for me, and I know that they all mostly wish I'd make some different choices.

But what if I don't know what I want in 5 years time?
What if I am okay with not knowing too?
What if another way of seeing things is the day by day, the moment by moment?

Sometimes I think that if I wanted those things that I am " supposed" to want, then it may be clearer to me what I should do. I'm at the beginning of my 30's and friends around have been marrying and conceiving and parenting.
I've never really felt that maternal. I love being a mentor, a good/god mother, an Auntie, just that crazy girl that we visit sometimes will do. I have a lot of love to give but feeling a desire to bear my own children hasn't ever been there, maybe, of course maybe, it will come. It may be that I've not met the " right " person, whatever that means, and I certainly never say never.....

Marriage, did I dream of this when I was a little girl, walking down the aisle in a pretty dress with a pretty bouquet of flowers? No. I think the only part of a wedding day that ever touched my heart was imagining how my Dad might feel if he were able to walk down the aisle with me, but that will never happen....
And really in all my adult life I've never imagined that I will get married.
Maybe it isn't even a question of marriage as I've not often even pictured myself growing old with just one special someone, not that I picture being alone either, I think I picture a place of solitude and community all merged in to one. And lots of times, celebrations, occasions where love and friendship and kindness are the theme.

"But don't you get lonely?"

They look at me as if something is missing and base their questions and care for me from that premise, and because they are seeing my world through that tint of colour, that sense of less-than,  it is maybe harder for them to see and understand why it is that I am choosing to be where I am.

It is not filling a gap.
I feel I'm not seeking anything because I'm not looking for this, or for that.
So you see, all that I share in our intimacy is an add-on. It adds to my experience of life, it is not about meeting a need, but about flourishing. It has no limits and it colours my life with more beautiful shades and depths.


M:e said...

There IS more than one of us in the world!!

I understand this posting with every fibre of my being. I never had 'plans' for my life. The loves that have found their way into my lives came at the right time, and stayed for the time fates allowed them to. They added to who I am rather than made me 'complete'.

I very much choose the life I have now, and have encountered that 'don't you get lonely' question from all quarters over the years. Interestingly though, I find it comes mainly from married women. I have my own thoughts on that.

There is a world of difference between being lonely and being alone. It is perfectly possible to choose to live alone without ever having to be lonely.

Bless you for this posting lovely one.

love and hugs xxx

Mr.C. said...

It is quite possible to be in the same room as someone and find it the loneliest place on earth.

It is quite possible to be able to see from horizon to horizon, for that vista to be empty of all but nature, to be completely alone and not be lonely.

For some it is possible to never feel lonely, for others that feeling is discerning, it depends on who isn't there.

selkie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
selkie said...

this is so utterly wise; there is NO filling holes in our souls with other people - rather, our skins and hearts have to be entire and only then can one include another.

I love the way you look at things; if we "plan" too much, then our eyes can remain blind to possibilities that might make us soar. I think it so crucial to keep an open mind, heart and soul to the ever-changing tapestry of life.

Anonymous said...

Hell-o Olivia:
Such a beautiful and important post, and each person who commented has said far better than I could, how I also feel.
I think there is a saying that goes sort of like this "We humans make plans and the angels laugh". That might not be the exact quote, but you understand the idea. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened in my life that I never imagined or planned for.
As for Mr C's comment "It is quite possible to be in the same room as someone and find it the loneliest place on earth.

It is quite possible to be able to see from horizon to horizon, for that vista to be empty of all but nature, to be completely alone and not be lonely."
Truer words have not been spoken.
I lived by myself for many years after my divorce, and had many similar questions from my female friends that you had...I never felt lonely living alone, I loved it.
I think also that there is a huge difference between nurturing and giving birth..and I will choose nurturing every time.
(please do not misunderstand, I am not marginalizing giving birth...only talking about a concept)
Thank you so much for sharing Olivia

Take care

Mark said...

I once asked a friend what plans she had for the future. Mortified by the question she admitted her only plan was an instruction to have her ashes scattered over the pitch at Higbury. Clearly not one of life's planners her days were no less full because of it. Living for the moment can bring its own rewards, like the joy you found in your snow bound garden ~ let the list writers and strategic planners get on with organising their futures to the nth degree if they wish. You - have got a life to lead.

Eliane said...

Olivia, I could have written this. Not as eloquently, maybe, but pretty much the exact same sentiments. And no I'm not lonely just because I don't plan on marriage and babies, and a long term relationship. My life is full of friendship and love and connection, and I'm very grateful for that. Don't worry, there will be one person in your life not asking if you're lonely! (As long as you promise not to ask me the same thing!!)

Greenwoman said...

I've spent alot of time in recent years being lonely in the same room as those who love me profoundly.

Lots of the rest of your words give food for thought. *smiles*

I'm glad that you feel whole and complete inside yourself and feel no need for others to aid that emotion/viewpoint. Good for you!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Olivia,
I have no idea what I want to be doing in five years, either, and I'm forty-five! It is just a personality thing with me. I have no need to and no interest in limiting myself to a specific plan. I have been far lonelier in recent months than I ever felt when I was alone. Being single again is something of a relief.

Spanking OTK said...

Hello, you have a very nice blog here. If you like we could exchange links betwen our blogs.

Let me know.

Best Regards

Princess said...

This is a beautiful post and I really enjoyed reading it! I stumbled here this morning and will be following from now on. Thanks so much for sharing!

OliviaManners said...


I know that you understand and I feel so lucky to have connected with you beyond this blog.




It is always good to see you here and I'm surprised given my cheekiness of late, that you still visit me at all!
You always write so well, even in your comments. And " it depends on who isn't there" is such pausing thought.

Thank you,


I love having a mermaid visit here!
You are right Selkie, openness is the key to so much I think.



You always find something wonderful to say, and I especially liked your comment about nurturing and giving birth. I'd never thought of it like that, but yes, nurturing is what is important to me, what I feel a desire to give, and yet I know that I can do that in so many ways.



I do have a life to lead and hence not having replied to all these great comments !! I do still write lists and make plans, and I actually work in some ways professionally as a strategist. I think some structure and order is important and necessary, but when it comes to relationships and other people how can I really make make plans, as selkie said, all I can do, and all I want to do, is be open.
And I really love being open and being okay with openness, I just wish others around me would trust that!

I hope that all is well with you.



I wish I wrote with as much humour and wit as you, you are always making me smile and chuckle.
Look forward to our real life catch up, and we can both make sure not to ask the other if she is lonely!



I'm often thinking of you and sending you hopes for those connections to come in to your life.
I feel lucky to feel as I do about my completeness...I hope it doesn't come across as though I am complacent as by complete I don't mean that I still don't have LOTS of need to grow and develop and learn and get better and wiser and more this and more that etc etc...I think it is just that I've felt very trusting in recent times that fundamentally all is well and that I have what I need at each moment. And if I feel that I don't, I'll also be okay with those feelings.

But as you know, I've not always felt like this!! Far from it!

I hope to be back conversing with you again more regularly soon.



Lovely to see you here.
I keep thinking of your pearls....and I guess a necklace is always complete in the same way...
I just know that I want to step in to each day with a sense of wonder, and if I'm spending my time trying to make my life fit a plan then I worry that I'll never fully feel that wonder.
Every day at the moment just feels alive and full of possibility. I feel very lucky.
I hope you are feeling okay too.


Spanking OTK

Nice, traditional name ! ;-)
Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely visit your blog.

Warm regards,


Thank you for visiting and commenting. I'll come and say hello over at your blog in the coming week.

A warm welcome and best wishes to you.

Spanking OTK said...

Hello, you have a very nice blog here.

If you like we could exchange links betwen our blogs.

Let me know!

Best Regards