Happy News & something else.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who contributed to my thesis. My course leader contacted me at the weekend to let me know I'd passed and that the study would be being published as well as hopefully receiving some funding to take it further. I didn't want to presume anyone was interested enough to make an announcement as such, but I also didn't want to not acknowledge all of your help and insights.

So, that was a happy moment. And the beginning of more happy moments I hope.

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I have to say though that Paul was a core participant in my study and I'm not sure what our telephone interview and the analysis of his data ( which I now know of course is full of untruths ) means for the validity of the results!  

In terms of commenting on that situation I've just stayed quiet. Not because I don't have some pretty strong opinions about it, but because firstly, I don't know all of the facts and secondly because I've been in a situation where I have not been honest with someone, misleading even, and whether the intention was to hurt or not, I did hurt them, so I feel that I am in no place to judge.

All I do want to say is that what I write here is not fiction. Unless I call it a vignette or story of course!

And what I have learnt over the past few years in cyber-land ( blogging and chat rooms ) is that it is very important to me to know that people are real and who they say they are. I can still value simple fantasy exchanges, experience the real time emotions/ arousal, enjoy the imagining etc, but for me to invest time and energy in to any thing that is virtual then truth and realness is central to that.

My way around this is to make things as real as possible. My favourite bloggers in this community all know my real name and have access to my real life professional website etc, in the past few months I've met at least 6 people from this community ( JFlame being one of them and I am so sorry that she is hurting ) and there are a few of those that are now real friends in real life with whom I meet regularly. I know it is not possible for everyone to be revealing of their real identities, or may be possible but is simply not their choice, both of which I understand and respect, I suppose I just wanted to share with people here my positive experiences of this community, which is full of real lovely people.

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I've been quite quiet recently.

Riding the horse I guess ( in relation to my last post ) and in regards that aspect of my life I'd say the horse and its mount are both on track!

There are other things though that are just not aligned.

I have to write this as some abstract thought bubble as it is the only way I can free the words starkly on to the page...

"Loving a man, deeply caring about a man, sharing the most intimate things with that man, discovering new things together, learning and growing and understanding through friendship and love with that man, smiling and playing and exploring with that man, being brought alive, being touched, being held, feeling vulnerable and tender with that man. Blossoming, flourishing, feeling vital with that man. And also just a simple love. A very simple almost elemental love. 

Not listening fully to those voices in my head that try and press against the fluttering in my heart, not wanting to face fully the reality or the pain of that, knowing that something that is full of so much honesty is also borne and still exists within so much dishonesty. Swallowing that unwanted taste. Feeling frustrated, feeling a failure that I still sometimes have the word " not enough" in my vocabulary. Knowing that the word " enough" is not what I really mean, but knowing that there is something that is not fully being brought to the surface in me that needs to be. And knowing more and more that it is a need. Feeling full of disappointment in myself that I can't just be grateful , just feel blessed to have what is there, which is so full of so many joyful and powerful and deeply touching things."

Letting go. Not letting go.

Acknowledging that need and being able to just be with it rather than see it as something that is missing or lacking.

Keep twirling with the good things, spinning and buzzing and being carried away. Being still, being held by that simple exchange in our eyes, being softened and calmed by those words, being enveloped in those arms full of love. Holding him in my arms.

Or letting go, and watching the colour drain from my life.

Northern Lad. By Tori Amos.