" There is rare pleasure in obedience. The answer of a good conscience brings into the heart a peace and satisfaction that nothing can destroy. The girl who can fold her hands at night with the knowledge that throughout the day she has been obedient, finds in life a gladness and quietness that nothing else can bring. "
Life has been busy and I've had little time to sit and reflect or when I have caught the odd hour in the day I've come here to write and my thoughts would never settle in to a post.
When things feel balanced, grounded and in harmony it almost feels harder to know what to write, but isn't that a shame if all I feel able to do here is write when I'm sad or confused or conflicted.
I think too that now I have offline contact with many people from this community as well as some private blogging havens that I've been invited in to by authors with whom I most often conversed, my engagement with this blog has lessened.
So, Olivia is still here, and thank you for your emails and messages, and she will be back, all spring like and with some stories ( perfect time of year for some birch stories ! ), she is just taking her time..... and thanking you for your patience.
That was the question posed to me at dinner this evening.
I know that they all wish for me to be happy, I know that they all wish for the best for me, and I know that they all mostly wish I'd make some different choices.
But what if I don't know what I want in 5 years time? What if I am okay with not knowing too? What if another way of seeing things is the day by day, the moment by moment?
Sometimes I think that if I wanted those things that I am " supposed" to want, then it may be clearer to me what I should do. I'm at the beginning of my 30's and friends around have been marrying and conceiving and parenting. I've never really felt that maternal. I love being a mentor, a good/god mother, an Auntie, just that crazy girl that we visit sometimes will do. I have a lot of love to give but feeling a desire to bear my own children hasn't ever been there, maybe, of course maybe, it will come. It may be that I've not met the " right " person, whatever that means, and I certainly never say never.....
Marriage, did I dream of this when I was a little girl, walking down the aisle in a pretty dress with a pretty bouquet of flowers? No. I think the only part of a wedding day that ever touched my heart was imagining how my Dad might feel if he were able to walk down the aisle with me, but that will never happen.... And really in all my adult life I've never imagined that I will get married. Maybe it isn't even a question of marriage as I've not often even pictured myself growing old with just one special someone, not that I picture being alone either, I think I picture a place of solitude and community all merged in to one. And lots of times, celebrations, occasions where love and friendship and kindness are the theme.
"But don't you get lonely?"
They look at me as if something is missing and base their questions and care for me from that premise, and because they are seeing my world through that tint of colour, that sense of less-than, it is maybe harder for them to see and understand why it is that I am choosing to be where I am.
It is not filling a gap. I feel I'm not seeking anything because I'm not looking for this, or for that. So you see, all that I share in our intimacy is an add-on. It adds to my experience of life, it is not about meeting a need, but about flourishing. It has no limits and it colours my life with more beautiful shades and depths.
Maybe it isn't that surprising that the two would go together.
They are after all, a part of being alive, feeling alive.
Still, it is a powerful tonic that I drank this week.
It is not an isolated feeling, I've felt it before, just a few times as strongly as this though.
Once before, years back now, I felt it with an unequalled intensity, but that was because it was grief.
My ex partner was in the deep belly of grief, the sudden loss of a young family member brought unsettled darkness. We sat there together night after night, grief wrenched her body and I held her wails in my cradling arms until they softened but the rawness was still there. The rawness became passion, laced with tenderness and we were fucking. Hard. I remember thinking then that it had been devouring, like a need to suck and take all of the life there was in the room so it existed. Life was still there.
And then to now. And indented with this most recent experience.
In one moment I was softly gasping, in the next I was softly sobbing. One lead to the other, and then they were both merged, like a pool of tears and arousal slopping around in my gut. Every part of me felt so fully and viscerally connected to him, I had clammy cheeks and it all stayed with me throughout the day. It needed a leather belt to thrash in to it.
I'm not grieving, but sometimes there is just a sadness there. A beautiful life-connecting sadness. If you feel something so intensely then maybe it's only natural that a contrasting emotion would then appear; joy tipped in to sadness, or sadness and joy always there together teetering on the edge.
There is not really a purpose to this post, it is just that the feeling won't leave me, so I wanted to try and understand it.
Today when I woke and drew back my curtains the back garden was there in full white glory. It is rare to have snow in London and the sight and feel and smell and sound of it still captivate me.
It was definitely beckoning those first few footsteps. I knew that I wanted to tread each one with care and attention. Not to rush out and trample over it, but to be mindful of each step. A white wash of possibility.
It was quite breathtaking stepping outside. I felt the chill on my legs as I was still only in my fine Pajamas, but it was a tingling and prickling chill that felt alive-making.
The garden here is magical at the best of times, but in the snow that magic makes it truly enchanting. I visited my favourite places.
Right at the back of the garden, hidden against the wall, down a narrow pathway, is a Goddess, or that is what I call her. She looked majestic in the snow.
I made a wish at her feet and then turned back to just stand and take in the awe-inspiring virgin whiteness. Untouched, a clean slate, a cleansing, and one that as the snow still fell, felt both soft and unrelenting. It wasn't a glistening snow, it was, it is, a heavy, deep, all-covering, thick snow. There is something very comforting about that.
There is of course nothing comforting about sitting on these chairs just now! ( unless you needed to cool down a toasty and smarting pink bottom ).
It was the stillness that struck me the most. Like everything was being packed in by the snow so it had to stay still. Not trapped. But held. Asking us to contemplate. And I think we will be here for a while, the sky had traces of blue this morning, just faint ones.
But it is a light grey again now, almost a reflection of the ground, and the snow keeps falling. I think I'm going to be staying still in my attic for a little while. There is only one thing right now that I wish the snow would allow for....but the warmth of a sore bottom is unlikely to come until there is warmth to melt the snow away, and actually I'll be sad to see it go.
That is a view of the attic from the back of the garden.
Yesterday afternoon I had a tea party for 10 of my closest friends. It was my christmas present to them all and I had organised for us to do a range of different activities that I hoped would be fun and inspiring...
Needless to say I also wanted to decorate the attic and seeing as it is coming up to Valentine's, I found heart shaped balloons and heart shaped confetti, and heart shaped biscuits...and lots of love heart candy that I scattered about the place...there was definitely a lot of love and warmth in the room and that wasn't just from the roaring open fire!
Anyway, when I was shopping about on Friday for some little gifts ( I wanted to make up party bags for them like the ones we used to get when we were younger ), I came across the shop Hope and Greenwood. Apparently it isn't a new shop, but it was new to me, and full of the most lovely old fashioned confectionary and gifts.
One particular gift caught my eye, " For A Good Boy " , full of chocolate stars, and I was most disappointed to find out from the Bettie page look-a-like sales assistant that the " For A Good Girl " boxes had all sold out. It is quite amazing how much those words pinken my cheeks and make me smile inside, and I also couldn't quite believe that there were really so many good girls out there that all of their stock had gone! Then I thought of Constance and Mr.C. and their use of gold stars ( which was similar to the gold stars that used to be on my discipline reports last year ) and wondered if perhaps Constance had been SUCH a good girl recently that Mr. C had needed to buy them all.
It was a shame not to be able to buy them for all of my friends but I was happy to learn they would soon be restocked.
Firstly I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who contributed to my thesis. My course leader contacted me at the weekend to let me know I'd passed and that the study would be being published as well as hopefully receiving some funding to take it further. I didn't want to presume anyone was interested enough to make an announcement as such, but I also didn't want to not acknowledge all of your help and insights.
So, that was a happy moment. And the beginning of more happy moments I hope.
I have to say though that Paul was a core participant in my study and I'm not sure what our telephone interview and the analysis of his data ( which I now know of course is full of untruths ) means for the validity of the results!
In terms of commenting on that situation I've just stayed quiet. Not because I don't have some pretty strong opinions about it, but because firstly, I don't know all of the facts and secondly because I've been in a situation where I have not been honest with someone, misleading even, and whether the intention was to hurt or not, I did hurt them, so I feel that I am in no place to judge.
All I do want to say is that what I write here is not fiction. Unless I call it a vignette or story of course!
And what I have learnt over the past few years in cyber-land ( blogging and chat rooms ) is that it is very important to me to know that people are real and who they say they are. I can still value simple fantasy exchanges, experience the real time emotions/ arousal, enjoy the imagining etc, but for me to invest time and energy in to any thing that is virtual then truth and realness is central to that.
My way around this is to make things as real as possible. My favourite bloggers in this community all know my real name and have access to my real life professional website etc, in the past few months I've met at least 6 people from this community ( JFlame being one of them and I am so sorry that she is hurting ) and there are a few of those that are now real friends in real life with whom I meet regularly. I know it is not possible for everyone to be revealing of their real identities, or may be possible but is simply not their choice, both of which I understand and respect, I suppose I just wanted to share with people here my positive experiences of this community, which is full of real lovely people.
Riding the horse I guess ( in relation to my last post ) and in regards that aspect of my life I'd say the horse and its mount are both on track!
There are other things though that are just not aligned.
I have to write this as some abstract thought bubble as it is the only way I can free the words starkly on to the page...
"Loving a man, deeply caring about a man, sharing the most intimate things with that man, discovering new things together, learning and growing and understanding through friendship and love with that man, smiling and playing and exploring with that man, being brought alive, being touched, being held, feeling vulnerable and tender with that man. Blossoming, flourishing, feeling vital with that man. And also just a simple love. A very simple almost elemental love.
Not listening fully to those voices in my head that try and press against the fluttering in my heart, not wanting to face fully the reality or the pain of that, knowing that something that is full of so much honesty is also borne and still exists within so much dishonesty. Swallowing that unwanted taste. Feeling frustrated, feeling a failure that I still sometimes have the word " not enough" in my vocabulary. Knowing that the word " enough" is not what I really mean, but knowing that there is something that is not fully being brought to the surface in me that needs to be. And knowing more and more that it is a need. Feeling full of disappointment in myself that I can't just be grateful , just feel blessed to have what is there, which is so full of so many joyful and powerful and deeply touching things."
Letting go. Not letting go.
Acknowledging that need and being able to just be with it rather than see it as something that is missing or lacking.
Keep twirling with the good things, spinning and buzzing and being carried away. Being still, being held by that simple exchange in our eyes, being softened and calmed by those words, being enveloped in those arms full of love. Holding him in my arms.
Or letting go, and watching the colour drain from my life.
Life has been moving forward and I feel like I'm in that place right now where the post I wrote on New Years Day is a million miles in to the past. Its not that I've not thought about it, or read with gratitude and consideration all of the comments that were left for me. I have. I've read, talked, thought, walked, as well as trying to get on with my 2009 as I mean to go on, so I've had to find a way to feel with both the older and newer thoughts together.
All of your comments helped in some way and those that spoke of control and projection hooked me back in to facing things that I'd perhaps tried to gloss over in the past. Livvy's comment of " I sometimes wonder if by trying so hard to make them not matter, we actually make them matter more" really made me smile.
I think what I've been better able to do these last few weeks is accept.
Accept that I cannot stop myself feeling things. Accept that my feelings and emotions in regards this are important for me to feel because they are a part of me learning and growing and understanding how to do things differently. Accept that there is no need to rush or block these feelings because I am resilient enough to be okay through whatever they bring up. And even if I wanted to rush things, I can't, I can't control them, or I shouldn't try to. Accept that my expectations of people have sometimes come from places that are hopeful, but often imaginary and unrealistic and that has been unfair to both them and myself.
All of these things have been feeling easier to accept because I feel I've truly been able to let go of what I ever thought our relationship/ friendship was in the first place. I could write here that the pedestal was built on untruths, projections, misconceptions etc, and possibly it was, but that is the part that doesn't feel so important anymore, needing to define it in order to be able to understand it has never worked, so that is gone.
All of the things in my life over the past 2 weeks have fed in to this - finishing my thesis, giving up smoking ( I didn't smoke very much but I've not had a cigarette since the 20th December ), being excited by the year ahead, being clearer about what it is that I do and don't want to take forward with me in to this next year of my life journey. I suppose I feel in control, and not in a clutching at the reins, grasping on to the mane, trying to stay in the saddle through any way possible kind of control. ( sorry I have just dipped in to a horse riding imagining there! )
It reminds me of when I was in South Africa about 3 years ago and I went on a beautiful ride in the mountains on an Arab. Although I used to be a well practiced rider I'd never ridden the arab way before, whereby you actually have little grip on the horses mouth, your hands are soft and you place your trust in them entirely. As we embarked on some very steep descents where my natural inclination was to tighten the reigns and try and guide the horse where I thought it looked safe, I learnt to just know and trust that his instincts would get us down the mountain. To sit back in the saddle, to still stay alert and aware but to just accept. At the moment I feel that same calmness, that same sense of things will naturally, instinctively, take care of themselves.
The horse may stumble, or buck or unexpectedly bolt or it may just amble along but whatever it does I know that I'll be able to pick myself up off the ground if I fall, or I'll be able to sit rooted in the saddle and may even enjoy the ride.
Another break from my work to do what I am not meant to be doing right now, which is to think too much in any depth about anything other than what needs to be completed.
But it is there, this thought, this feeling, this nagging, this weight, this perplexing, unfathomable, confusing energy that just will not leave me.
This isn't a spanking post, but some of you here in this community are amongst the wisest, most thoughtful and thought provoking people I know ( I can see that just from the richness of all the data you gave me in my survey, and thank you again so much for that )...so I hope in posting this here I might gain some insight or advice.
Mostly I work through things, emotional blockages, difficulties, hurts, pain, bad choices I made, guilt etc... it of course takes varying amounts of time but as I enter in to 2009 I'd say that there is so much of my life that feels okay now, more than okay, exciting, vibrant, full of possibility and inspiration. I mean it will of course always be evolving and complex and still at times difficult but I trust myself to be able to embrace all of those things and be with them.
There is just this one thing though. Not a thing, a person. A person who is in my life and I don't know how to manage it. I've tried for a long time now to seek answers in knowing how to aide it feeling differently from how it does, but it * still* feels unresolved within me. This is someone who was once very important to me, I can't really articulate what my feelings were for her because over time I've come to mistrust what my feelings were, what hers were, what the whole nature of everything to do with our relationship was. For some reason I feel I need to just clarify here that it was not a sexual relationship. There was love but I don't know what it was, I truly truly don't. It is the single most baffling thing in my whole life. There was also a lot of pain, I betrayed her. I also didn't trust her but that * may* have been because I misread her actions ( because words don't count in this at all, she was always very seductive with her words) .... but most of all it is something that I've lost all trust in my own judgement over.
All I do know is that I think I probably had her up on some kind of pedestal, I still do think she is a pretty amazing woman in spite of what has happened between us so it is hard to take her off that pedestal, but I needed to, otherwise I would always be in her shadow. I think I probably have taken her off that pedestal now...I think much of last year was spent doing that but even though she is no longer held up high she is still here...
The one question I asked myself at the beginning of yesterday evenings rituals was " How can I move forward in to 2009 with a neutral feeling about her? "...maybe I am asking the impossible of myself...I'm not sure we can neutralise feelings really...just that over time they become less and less...but this has been over 2 years now, and the most difficult thing is that we * are * in one another's lives. If we were never to see one another again then I can imagine time would just heal it. But we see one another professionally and this is likely to increase I suspect in the year ahead.....and we are also connected through our intimacy with another. Last night I lit 7 candles and did short visualisation with each one. One was lit in the hope of finding resolve in this situation. I visualised cutting a cord from my heart to her and trying to build a different one...one that was still full of love and compassion, as you would wish for any human being , but one that had been grown from a less complicated place, with a less complicated feeling running through it. I wept afterwards because I could kind of feel it hadn't shifted things, I could still feel so much pain and today it is just still there....that feeling....that disquiet, humming of the unresolved.
How do you make someone not matter anymore? Even though you still have high regard for them both professionally and personally. ( and I don't mean that in an unkind way - every human being matters, but you know what I mean ) How do you walk in to a room and have neutral feelings, as if she were just another person in that room? How do you stop comparing and reacting? How do you keep someone at an emotional distance even when they may be physically there? How do you keep trying to heal the wound when each interaction with that person has the potential to crack it right back open? How do you let go of something when you still feel that there is misunderstanding and untruths? And yet you don't even really know if that is true anymore.
I'm sorry that this is a bit of a heavy post. I've posted a fun picture to try and lighten things up a little, but actually I am at a bit of a loss about this.
Discipline is an intoxicating blend of elation, sexual energy, fulfillment and most of all, connectedness. It can transport my mind to a different space. My very favourite space to visit - sometimes warm and pink and fun and playful, sometimes beautifully dark and raw and honest and tender, sometimes formal and ritualistic and comforting, and always always real & loving. Something that I crave and need, and I am very happy to know about myself.
"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. "
