The First Day Of A Brand Spanking New Year.

Another break from my work to do what I am not meant to be doing right now, which is to think too much in any depth about anything other than what needs to be completed.

But it is there, this thought, this feeling, this nagging, this weight, this perplexing, unfathomable, confusing energy that just will not leave me.

This isn't a spanking post, but some of you here in this community are amongst the wisest, most thoughtful and thought provoking people I know ( I can see that just from the richness of all the data you gave me in my survey, and thank you again so much for that )...so I hope in posting this here I might gain some insight or advice.

Mostly I work through things, emotional blockages, difficulties, hurts, pain, bad choices I made, guilt etc... it of course takes varying amounts of time but as I enter in to 2009 I'd say that there is so much of my life that feels okay now, more than okay, exciting, vibrant, full of possibility and inspiration. I mean it will of course always be evolving and complex and still at times difficult but I trust myself to be able to embrace all of those things and be with them.

There is just this one thing though. Not a thing, a person. A person who is in my life and I don't know how to manage it. I've tried for a long time now to seek answers in knowing how to aide it feeling differently from how it does, but it * still* feels unresolved within me. This is someone who was once very important to me, I can't really articulate what my feelings were for her because over time I've come to mistrust what my feelings were, what hers were, what the whole nature of everything to do with our relationship was. For some reason I feel I need to just clarify here that it was not a sexual relationship. There was love but I don't know what it was, I truly truly don't. It is the single most baffling thing in my whole life. There was also a lot of pain, I betrayed her. I also didn't trust her but that * may* have been because I misread her actions ( because words don't count in this at all, she was always very seductive with her words) .... but most of all it is something that I've lost all trust in my own judgement over. 

All I do know is that I think I probably had her up on some kind of pedestal, I still do think she is a pretty amazing woman in spite of what has happened between us so it is hard to take her off that pedestal, but I needed to, otherwise I would always be in her shadow. I think I probably have taken her off that pedestal now...I think much of last year was spent doing that but even though she is no longer held up high she is still here...

The one question I asked myself at the beginning of yesterday evenings rituals was " How can I move forward in to 2009 with a neutral feeling about her? "...maybe I am asking the impossible of myself...I'm not sure we can neutralise feelings really...just that over time they become less and less...but this has been over 2 years now, and the most difficult thing is that we * are * in one another's lives. If we were never to see one another again then I can imagine time would just heal it. But we see one another professionally and this is likely to increase I suspect in the year ahead.....and we are also connected through our intimacy with another. Last night I lit 7 candles and did short visualisation with each one. One was lit in the hope of finding resolve in this situation. I visualised cutting a cord from my heart to her and trying to build a different one...one that was still full of love and compassion, as you would wish for any human being , but one that had been grown from a less complicated place, with a less complicated feeling running through it. I wept afterwards because I could kind of feel it hadn't shifted things, I could still feel so much pain and today it is just still there....that feeling....that disquiet, humming of the unresolved.

How do you make someone not matter anymore? Even though you still have high regard for them both professionally and personally. ( and I don't mean that in an unkind way - every human being matters, but you know what I mean ) How do you walk in to a room and have neutral feelings, as if she were just another person in that room? How do you stop comparing and reacting? How do you keep someone at an emotional distance even when they may be physically there? How do you keep trying to heal the wound when each interaction with that person has the potential to crack it right back open? How do you let go of something when you still feel that there is misunderstanding and untruths? And yet you don't even really know if that is true anymore.

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a heavy post. I've posted a fun picture to try and lighten things up a little, but actually I am at a bit of a loss about this.