Some days, not as often anymore, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt about how I have treated people in my past.
I was thinking today about some of the men I have dated ( which isn't really very many! ) and how cold and dismissive I had been with them at times, especially in moments of intimacy. I recognised the feeling today as one of resentment. Not a feeling I am proud to have felt, but it felt like I had unravelled its meaning a little.
I do think that I resented them for not sensing my submissive nature. I resented that they were not responsive or aware of the nuances just beneath the surface. I resented that they only saw what was easy to see. I'd buffer up against people hoping that they would SEE me, try and sparkle for a moment but it would quickly flutter away and I always felt disappointed, let down, and empty of meaning. The shutters would come down and the rest of me would march right in, take control of the situation, and leave it. And leave them.
And I know now that I was expecting ever such a lot of them! and how incredibly unfair I was being.
Now I know what is my responsibility. And how to take responsibility for it.
I know that for me intimacy is not possible until I can, from an aliveness within myself, express who I am freely, and be with another person as they express who they are freely with neither of us feeling the need to shut down or protect ourselves.
Having found this kind of intimacy, I am so grateful to have come to know my own self more,to have learnt how to express and communicate who I am and I hope this is helping me to have softer and more honest experiences with others.
4 comments:
Exactly!
I recently posted about how 'a man bearing rope and a pair of handcuffs' had freed me sexually. I think it's easy to assume it was BDSM that freed me, when in fact, he could have come to me with a feather (if I was into tickling), or latex (if that was my thing) or whatever. Its not actually about the sexual activities we share so much as it's about the trust we share. He knows all of my secrets, all of my desires, all of my fears. THAT has freed us both, and has allowed us a level of intimacy I'd never experienced before.
Lovely post.
Fondly,
Constance
It is amazing that you get a little more of what you want when you know what that is to begin with. *smiles*
Constance and Shannee, thank you both for your comments.
I still have so much to learn, discover and understand about all of this and both of your blogs have been really helpful and generous to me.
Olivia
x
Thanks for writing tthis
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