Being or feeling different is quite expected, I know. After all, we are all different!
But in a quite pain filled telephone call with my Mum yesterday, she gently pointed out to me that different does not have to mean distant.
I could just choose to not analyse this much, seeing it very simply as a stark truth, revealing that I don't spend enough time with my family, who are incredibly loving and generous to me, and as a gentle nudge to stop being quite so selfish and more compassionate about how I spend my time and what I give of myself to whom and how. And on one level I *am* going to be more conscious of this and work harder to be a better daughter and sister and grandchild.
But it also got me thinking about family and why I have felt it very important to create other
"family" around me over the years.
My Mum has always said that I left home when I was 11. I didn't physically pack a bag of course, but I did make sure I was there as little as I possibly could be and emotionally once I walked out that door away from them I locked it tight shut right into when I reached adulthood. Even now, when I am sitting round the table with them at Christmas dinner for example, I feel oddly separate from them and intensely guilty that I feel that way towards people who show me nothing other than love and kindness.
For as long as I can remember I've always been searching in some way for people that understand me. That is one reason why the people I have met in the last 3 years through the world of spanking/Discipline are so important to me. Even with all of my diverse and wonderful friends and my family, some of whom know more of me than others, and whom I cherish and am grateful to for their acceptance ( with a few I'd describe it more as tolerance! ) of me, it is still a very powerful thing ( and need, I'm embarrassed to say ) for me to have conversations with people who I can be fully me with, who don't just accept, but who fully understand, who don't just nod that it intellectually makes sense, but who share the same kind of instinctive, emotional responses to all of this.
And feeling different isn't because I like spanking ( we know that really isn't *that* unusual! ) This is more about the nature and dynamics of the current intimate relationships in my life and the overall philosophy by which I want to share love and intimacy within my life as I go in to the future.
Maybe I am wrong to seek understanding from others because it in some way suggests a failing on my part or that I need others to validate who I am?
I'm uncertain about that and it depends on whether I am having a day of seeing myself in a positive light or not!
But through greater self-awareness I do feel I now embrace this feeling of difference, and yet I would like to find a way for different not to mean distant from my family.
8 comments:
There's nothing wrong with seeking to be understood as long as it doesn't consume you. I've often felt alone in a room full of my peers or family. I'm always the exception to any stereotypes or generalizations. I've learned to accept it, but it would be nice to have others to spend time with who know and understand me.
Hello k
Sometimes it probably has consumed me, or certainly lead me to invest inappropriate amounts of time and energy in to people I shouldn't have.
I think I've grown from that place now though :)
I think we all need to connect with others and a part of that connection is naturally to give and recieve understanding of each other...to engage freely in the ability to be transparent with each other.
It is when we wrap our self worth and self image up in someone else's opinions of us or our choices and preferences that we begin to loose ourselves in the relationship. That's the unhealthy part.
But connection for itself, for the joy of it is a blessing. ((hugs))
I know that I did spend far too long doing just as you say Shannee, wrapping my self worth and self image up in one person's opinion of me. It has taken a long time for me to see that, and perhaps it has taken me experiencing a more real and natural connection to be able to see just how unhealthy it was.
Connections are a joy, even those that you " sense " through a computer screen ;-)
Olivia
x
Olivia,
Never be ashamed or embarrassed of needing to be understood and accepted, at least by some section of people in your life. That need for acceptence is part of what makes us human.
Thank you for this post. I've been feeling over the past couple of months that I am starting to distance myself from certain people in my life because I can't share this fundamental part of me with them. However, your post has made me realise that I need to stop putting this distance between me and them, even though it means that with certain people I will always be living a lie. Better that than to hurt people I love and care about. And luckily I am now making some wonderful connections out here in cyberland, and I know I have people to come and talk who will understand the whole me.
Sorry, long comment!
Eliane
You wrote "Maybe I am wrong to seek understanding from others because it in some way suggests a failing on my part or that I need others to validate who I am? "
I don't think you are wrong to seek understanding. It's a sensible thing to do. So what if it suggests a failing on your part? We all have failings and understanding from others helps us to deal with the failings and accept them.
Hi, just found you blog :)
Let mt just say, I fullu understand you. I am more or less doing the same you are doing, for just the same reasons.
I try to give some level of atention to my family, but it's not easy.
Good luck for you:)
Shortbow
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