Mesh of Life.

Life has been moving forward and I feel like I'm in that place right now where the post I wrote on New Years Day is a million miles in to the past.
Its not that I've not thought about it, or read with gratitude and consideration all of the comments that were left for me. I have. I've read, talked, thought, walked, as well as trying to get on with my 2009 as I mean to go on, so I've had to find a way to feel with both the older and newer thoughts together.

Thank you to, Fabsterrant, Olivia ( Livvy ), Andrades, The Voyeur Flaneur, Pandora, The Headmaster, Eliane,, Spanked Italian Gal, , Boxa57 ( Who I can't link to ), Gillette, , Ronnie, , Constance and Mr. C, and Maryann Sloan.

All of your comments helped in some way and those that spoke of control and projection hooked me back in to facing things that I'd perhaps tried to gloss over in the past. Livvy's comment of " I sometimes wonder if by trying so hard to make them not matter, we actually make them matter more" really made me smile.

I think what I've been better able to do these last few weeks is accept.

Accept that I cannot stop myself feeling things.
Accept that my feelings and emotions in regards this are important for me to feel because they are a part of me learning and growing and understanding how to do things differently.
Accept that there is no need to rush or block these feelings because I am resilient enough to be okay through whatever they bring up. And even if I wanted to rush things, I can't, I can't control them, or I shouldn't try to.
Accept that my expectations of people have sometimes come from places that are hopeful, but often imaginary and unrealistic and that has been unfair to both them and myself.

All of these things have been feeling easier to accept because I feel I've truly been able to let go of what I ever thought our relationship/ friendship was in the first place. I could write here that the pedestal was built on untruths, projections, misconceptions etc, and possibly it was, but that is the part that doesn't feel so important anymore, needing to define it in order to be able to understand it has never worked, so that is gone.

All of the things in my life over the past 2 weeks have fed in to this - finishing my thesis, giving up smoking ( I didn't smoke very much but I've not had a cigarette since the 20th December ), being excited by the year ahead, being clearer about what it is that I do and don't want to take forward with me in to this next year of my life journey. I suppose I feel in control, and not in a clutching at the reins, grasping on to the mane, trying to stay in the saddle through any way possible kind of control. ( sorry I have just dipped in to a horse riding imagining there! )

It reminds me of when I was in South Africa about 3 years ago and I went on a beautiful ride in the mountains on an Arab. Although I used to be a well practiced rider I'd never ridden the arab way before, whereby you actually have little grip on the horses mouth, your hands are soft and you place your trust in them entirely. As we embarked on some very steep descents where my natural inclination was to tighten the reigns and try and guide the horse where I thought it looked safe, I learnt to just know and trust that his instincts would get us down the mountain. To sit back in the saddle, to still stay alert and aware but to just accept. At the moment I feel that same calmness, that same sense of things will naturally, instinctively, take care of themselves.

The horse may stumble, or buck or unexpectedly bolt or it may just amble along but whatever it does I know that I'll be able to pick myself up off the ground if I fall, or I'll be able to sit rooted in the saddle and may even enjoy the ride.

As long as my bottom is not too sore of course!

Thank you again for all of your comments.